Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

This is the first message in a new series called Letters to Brock. In case you haven’t heard, my wife and I recently celebrated the arrival of our second child. Brock Allen was born on December 13.

Our oldest son, Ryan, is 3 ½ years old, so it’s been a little while since I did the whole baby thing. But it didn’t take long at all for me to remember some stuff. Things like when you’re changing a baby boy’s diaper, you’d better be wearing a poncho because there’s an 80% chance of showers.

I’ve been reminded how bad baby formula smells as it goes down and how much worse it smells when it comes back up.

I’ve remembered all the baby terms that I had nearly forgotten. The words “bib” and “burpcloth” and “boppy” haven’t been part of my vernacular for a while, but they’re back.

I’m remembering how long it takes you to go anywhere with a new baby. We had gotten to the point with Ryan where we could just up and leave. Now, it takes us a minimum of two hours to get out the door. I used to be able to grab one bag and head for the car. Now I make about 5 trips carrying all the baby stuff to the car.

I had nearly forgotten a lot of these things since Ryan is older now, but it’s all come flooding back to my memory. And I’ll tell you something else that I’ve never forgotten, but I’ve still been reminded of the last two weeks. Parenting is an incredible privilege but an awesome responsibility.

I have felt the weight of this with Ryan for over 3 years and I’m now feeling that same burden with Brock. This parenting deal is not for wimps. When you stop and ponder the implications of your relationship with your children, it can take your breath away. It is easily the most difficult and challenging thing I’ve ever experienced…and my experience as a parent has been relatively brief. The weight of parenting will simply grow as my children grow.

As I’ve considered my responsibility and accountability as a parent, I started thinking about some things that I want my sons to know. Things that I want them to know and understand and believe in the depth of their souls. That’s why I decided to preach this Letters to Brock series. Just so you know, I’m not trying to leave Ryan out of the equation. I’ll personalize some letters to him, too. But my new son is really what got me thinking along these lines, so I decided to write some letters to him. Letters that he’ll read when he’s older. And I’m writing them as open letters so I can share them with you and then expand on them in the messages.

The central verse in this series is Proverbs 22:6. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (NIV)

This is my dream for my boys. And I’m going to open myself up over the next four weeks and share my heart for parenting with you. The sermons in this series aren’t going to be the most homiletically correct messages you’ve ever heard. If you don’t know what homiletics is, then you won’t care anyway. Let’s just say that they probably wouldn’t receive a passing grade in a preaching class. They’re just coming straight from the heart of a new dad. But I’m convinced that preaching is at its best when it comes from the heart instead of a textbook. Let’s pray and then I’ll read letter #1.

Dear Brock,

As I write this letter, you’re only two weeks old. But you’ve already touched my life in a profound and inexplicable way. As I hold you in my arms, I am overwhelmed. I’m blown away that God gave you to your mom and me. And I am sobered by the responsibility of being your dad. But it is a responsibility that I promise to meet head on.

I know that, as you grow up, you will not always be thrilled that I’m your dad. Other dads will seem to be a lot more lenient with their kids and there will be times when you wish that I would follow their lead. I won’t. I promise not to be an ogre that you need to constantly fear. I want you to know that when tenderness and understanding are called for, you can count on me for that. But when toughness is needed, toughness will be provided. It’s my God-given responsibility as your father.

But through it all, the tender times and the tough times, there is one thing you need to know above all else: I will not leave you. If you’ve done something wrong, you should fear my discipline…but you should never fear my leaving. Don’t misinterpret my discipline as a sign that I’ve had it with you or that I don’t love you anymore. I’ll never leave you. Whatever your mistake, I will forgive you. I will love you. But I will never leave you.

You will have friends who will grow up without a dad because he walked out on them. As long as God gives me life, you won’t have to worry about that. I will never leave your mom, your brother, and you behind. It’s just not going to happen.

You won’t always understand why I do what I do. Truth be told, I’ll make a lot of mistakes. Your father is a lot of things, but perfect is not one of them. I hope that I am man enough to admit when I mess things up. I hope that you are man enough to forgive me when I do. And I hope that you always understand that the choices I make as your dad are borne out of a heart that loves you more than you’ll ever understand.

Love,

Dad

After I read each letter in this series, I’ll take some time to explore the truth behind the words that I’ve written. They’re based solidly on God’s Word and they can have a powerful impact on our parenting.

In this first letter, I told Brock that I will discipline him. It won’t always be a popular decision, but parenting isn’t a popularity contest. There are some well-accepted but anti-Biblical ideas in our culture when it comes to this issue of discipline. As God’s people, we simply cannot base our parenting on whatever way the cultural winds happen to be blowing at the time. We need to allow God’s Word to be the driving force behind our parenting, and the Bible gives us some very straight talk about parental discipline.

Proverbs 3 tells us, “…the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” (Proverbs 3:12, NIV)

God disciplines us as his children and it’s simply understood that we will discipline our children, too. When you read the Bible, parental discipline is simply accepted as a fact. But the Bible doesn’t just command us to discipline our kids. It gives us the how and the why about discipline, too. These are the things that I want my sons to understand.

I will discipline you because your choices matter.

Our children have to be taught the difference between right choices and wrong choices. And when they make wrong choices, there must be consequences. That sounds as if it would go without saying, but it doesn’t.

The Biblical model for parenting is both instruction and discipline. Ephesians 6 tells us, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, ESV)

If we don’t include both components in our parenting, if we don’t offer instruction and discipline, we’re setting our family up for a train wreck. If you take the time to instruct your children about their choices but then you don’t discipline them when they choose wrong, they may come to understand a few things.

First of all, they may come to understand that you’re weak. What else could they believe? You teach them that this is wrong, but then there are no consequences if they choose wrong. They may see you as weak.

Or they’ll see you as a phony. You care enough to teach them right and wrong but there is no discipline when they choose wrong. Conclusion: you as a parent must really not believe this stuff after all. You’re a hypocrite. You’re a phony. You don’t really believe this yourself. If you did, there would be ramifications when your child made a poor choice.

Or, and this could possibly be the most dangerous lesson of all, when you give instruction on right and wrong but don’t back it up with discipline…your child could come to the conclusion that there really is no such thing as right or wrong at all. All truth is relative. It might be wrong for you mom or dad, but it’s not wrong for me. If it were, you would discipline me for it.

Instruction without discipline is a dangerous course in parenting. So is discipline without instruction.

I’ve met some parents who were very hard on their children, but their children rarely knew why. You’ve seen them. They’re always yelling at their children. Anywhere, anytime, they’re yelling at their kids. Their kids are punished for wrongs that they didn’t even know were wrong. Or maybe they’re just going through life and all of sudden mom or dad changes the rules but doesn’t tell them. Yeah, that’s fair. These parents majored in discipline but minored in instruction. They expect their children to pass a test without ever being taught the material.

This can happen when our discipline is based on our mood instead of on truth. Some of you grew up with parents like that. You remember what it’s like. If dad growls when he gets home from work, you’d better make yourself scarce. If you hang around too much, you’re liable to walk straight into his crosshairs.

Or mom is in one of her moods. You can read all the signs and you know that she’s going to cut into you if you get in her way.

Some of you grew up in homes like this. Some of you are parenting your children like this.

Some signs that you’re headed down a bad road: your son asks you to toss a baseball or football in the backyard and you bite his head off. You give him a dissertation on how crummy your job is and how much of a jerk your boss is. When you get home, you expect to relax and who is he to bother you about playing ball? Ok dad, I just wanted to play catch.

Or your daughter asks if you can take her for a special day out. A little shopping, maybe a nice lunch. And you berate her about busy you are and how expensive she is. With everything you have to do, how can she expect you to take her to someplace like the mall? Ok mom, I just wanted to go out with you.

In Ephesians 6:4, we see the reason that God commands parents to provide instruction and discipline. Because if either one is missing, we will provoke children to anger, and you really can’t blame them. If we fail to provide instruction or discipline, our kids will get ticked off and we can’t blame them because we have failed them. And we need to remember that feelings of bitterness, resentment, and anger can take a lifetime to undo.

Our discipline has to revolve around choices that our children make. Proverbs 22 says, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.” (Proverbs 22:15, NASB)

What is the basis for discipline in this verse? Choices. The foolish choices of a child. The basis for godly discipline is the choices of our children. The goal of our discipline is to teach them to become self-disciplined; to make wise choices even when we’re not around. We instruct them on right, godly choices. When we discipline them, it’s because they made a poor choice…not because we are in a poor mood.

There is another truth that I want my sons to understand about my discipline. I want them to understand that I will discipline you because I love you.

That can be tough, if not impossible, to understand while the discipline is being carried out. God knows that.

In fact, he said, “It is never fun to be corrected. In fact, at the time it is always painful. But if we learn to obey by being corrected, we will do right and live at peace.” (Hebrews 12:11, CEV)

Ultimately, the reason parents discipline their children is because they love them. Think about these words from the book of Proverbs.

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24, NIV)

There has been an anti-spanking, anti-discipline movement in our culture in recent decades. Spanking is cruel, brutish behavior. Discipline squashes a child’s freedom to discover right and wrong on their own.

Maybe that sounds good to you, but you have to measure it against Scripture. And the Bible clearly commands parents to discipline their children, spanking included. If we refuse to do that, the Bible says that we aren’t showing love, but instead we’re showing hatred to our kids.

Now, before the anti-spanking crowd blows a gasket, please note one key word in this verse. Careful. If we love our kids, we are careful to discipline them. I’m not advocating any kind of child abuse. The Bible isn’t giving parents license to just wail on their kids in some violent frenzy. That is stupid, cruel, and sinful. Our discipline is to be measured carefully.

Discipline is most effective when it’s given in a firm but calm spirit. If you’re temper has gotten the best of you, you’re not in any shape to dish out discipline. You need to give yourself enough time and space to simmer down and then give discipline when your mind is clear and your heart is calm.

I’ve been guilty of this in the past. Ryan has been dealt the unfortunate hand of being my first child. And as any parent knows, the first child is the recipient of quite a few parenting mistakes. There have been times when I dished out discipline in the heat of the moment…and it didn’t accomplish anything. In fact, it made the situation worse. Now please understand that I’ve never been abusive to Ryan. I’ve never done anything close to abusive with him. But there have been times when I let emotion get the better of me and disciplined in that moment. There have been times when I had to walk away and my wife had to mop up the parenting mess that I made. It’s embarrassing, but it’s true.

But the Lord has really been working in me. God has really been teaching me some things in this area of my life. He has been teaching me to be more careful in my discipline. And it should come as no surprise that things work out better when we do it God’s way instead of our way.

We looked at this verse from Proverbs earlier, but let’s hit it again. “…the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” (Proverbs 3:12, NIV)

God disciplines us because he delights in us. He wants what’s best for us. He loves us. And that same truth applies to parenting. Talking about this verse, Mark Driscoll wrote, “The principle here is that only those people who lovingly delight in a child have earned the right to discipline them. Fathers [and mothers] who don't delight in their children and love them while disciplining them are just being mean, angry, and violent.”

In parenting, love and discipline are attached at the hip. Love is a prerequisite to discipline. If you don’t absolutely delight in a child, then you have no right to discipline that child. And if you truly love that child, you will carefully discipline them.

There is one more thing I want my boys to understand about my discipline. I will discipline you, but I will never leave you.

Time Magazine reports that up to 40% of children worldwide are growing up with no father in their life at all. In the United States, more than half of divorced fathers will lose all contact with their children within a few years. After 10 years, as many as two-thirds of divorced fathers have completely drifted out of the lives of their kids. According to a 1994 study by the Children's Defense Fund, 49% of divorced men will default on a child-support payment. By comparison, only 3% will miss the payment on their used car.

Dads are leaving their post at an astonishing rate. And the rate of moms walking out is rising sharply, too. Children are growing up not knowing if both parents are going to be there when they get out of bed in the morning. I don’t have all the answers here, but what I do know is this. My wife and my children will never have to worry about me leaving them.

There are some classic parenting words in the Biblical book of Deuteronomy. Check this out. God tells us, “Commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on

the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors.” (Deuteronomy 11:18-21, NLT)

We often use these verses to reiterate how important it is to teach the truth of God to our children, and rightly so. But think about the underlying principle in all of what we read in these verses. The key to everything is the parents’ presence.

The Bible tells us to, “Talk about [God’s truth] when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.” (Deuteronomy 11:19, NLT)

Talk about it at home. It’s simply assumed that, as a parent, you’re going to be home with your kids more than anywhere else. Talk about it on the road. God simply assumes that your kids will be included on some of your road trips. Talk about it when you go to bed and when you get up. The point is that none of this can happen if you’re somewhere else. Nothing can replace your presence.

We talked earlier about how God’s call on parents is to discipline carefully. Part of that careful discipline is making sure your kids understand that their relationship with you is secure, even when they anger or disappoint you. They need to know that after discipline comes grace and forgiveness. They need to understand that you love them and you will stay with them no matter what.

God provides us with that security in our relationship with him. If you’ve been here at Amelia for any length of time at all, then you’ve heard me say that God’s most frequent promise in Scripture is, “I will be with you.” More than anything else, more than “I love you,” more than “I forgive you,” God promised, “I will be with you.”

Sometimes we don’t get the answers from God that we want. He doesn’t answer our prayer the way we want him to. We don’t understand why this is happening in our lives. We’re not sure about anything at all, except the fact that He is with us. There are times when his presence is all we have to lean on…but God has promised that his presence would be enough.

There are times in the lives of our children when nothing makes sense. We live in a dangerous, hurtful, complicated, sinful world. And more than anything, our kids need to know that we’re not going to run out on them. We’re in this thing for the long haul. There’s not much in our world that they can depend on, but they can depend on our presence.

When is the last time you had a conversation with your kids where you assured them that you’re never leaving them? That gets tougher as children get older. Some statistics show that parents of teenagers have less than five minutes of meaningful conversation each week with their kids. Five minutes a week.

You may need to throw the brakes on your calendar and your child’s calendar and carve out some time for a little heart-to-heart discussion. If this hasn’t been your practice, it’ll feel awkward and forced for a while. Push through it. The more you do it, the more natural it will become.

But whatever you do, don’t just assume that your kids know how you feel about them. Don’t just assume that they know that you’re not going anywhere. Do something to tell them. Do something to show them.

You may recognize Tony Dungy as the head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. As a Colts fan, it was really cool for me to have the opportunity to hear Tony speak at a youth conference several years ago. I got his new book for Christmas and I just started reading it. Tony is very open about his faith in Jesus, but he’s pretty secretive about his family life. He wants to protect his family from the media spotlight as much as possible. But, in a rare open moment, Tony shared about the death of his son, James. James Dungy committed suicide three days before Christmas in 2005.

Tony spoke at the funeral. He talked about his regret of not hugging James the last time he saw him, on Thanksgiving Day.

In a later speech, Tony said, “I met a guy the day after James’ funeral. He said, ‘I was there at the funeral. I heard you talking about some of your regrets. I took off work today. I called my son. I told him I was taking him to the movies. We’re going to spend some time and go to dinner.’”

God has the power to bring good out of the worst of circumstances, but it shouldn’t take a tragedy to remind us of the power of parental presence. Do your kids know, in no uncertain terms, that you are never, ever leaving?

The priority of my life is discipling my sons. I simply refuse to allow our culture to do my job for me. I will be the one to teach them. I will be the one to grow them. I will be the one to disciple them. I realize that there are some tough and challenging times ahead, but I’m in it to win it. I have failed at so many things in my life, but I am determined not to fail my boys. I will instruct them. I will discipline them. And I will never leave them.

This has been a tough message for some of you. Some of you didn’t have a good relationship with your parents growing up. My challenge to you is to break the chain. It doesn’t matter how long the chain of failed parenting is in your family, you can be the one to break that chain.

Maybe you’ve already failed in some area as a parent. The incredible thing about grace is that we always get a second chance to get it right. Do you need to claim today as a gift from God? A second chance to disciple your kids?

Those second chances come for one reason: the cross. The cross of Jesus Christ stands as the constant reminder of God’s grace. Grace that is big enough to give us a second chance, third chance, a tenth chance, a fiftieth chance. Grace that is deep enough to forgive you of any sin. Grace that is strong enough to allow you to forgive anyone who has hurt you. It all begins at the cross, and if you’ve never accepted that free gift of grace that Jesus is offering, we’d love to talk and pray with you about that. The gift is free. The time is now.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: Letters to Brock, discipline, parenting, Proverbs