Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

Difficult People. We’ve all got a Peppermint Patty or two in our lives, don’t we? The question is, as disciples of Jesus, how do we deal with them?

This is the second, and final message in a short, two-week series called God at Work. Tomorrow is Labor Day, when our country celebrates work by taking a day off of work.

In this series, we’re asking the question, “How does God want me to live while I’m at work? How can I glorify him while I’m on the job?”

As Christ-followers, we have to understand that our job is not our primary job. Our primary job is to glorify Jesus, to make him famous. That is the primary focus of our lives, even when we’re at work. So how do we carry ourselves at work in a way that does that? Especially in some of the harder situations we encounter at our jobs.

Last week, we talked about accepting authority. God has called his people to submit to authority, even if the person in authority doesn’t deserve it. Because ultimately, we’re not working for them anyway. We submit to authority because we submit to Jesus.

Today, we’re going to explore how a Christ-follower reacts when they have to deal with a difficult person. Got any of those at your job?

In his book called Coping with Difficult People, Dr. Robert Bramsom lists six different types of difficult people that we encounter on the job.

They are the hostile/aggressive, the complainer, the silent/unresponsive, the super-agreeable, the negativist, and the know-it-all expert.

You work with someone who fits one or more of those categories, don’t you?

I think I’ve worked with every one of these people at one time or another. I can look at that list and put a name beside every single category. You probably can too.

I don’t need to convince you that you work with some difficult people. We all have them in our lives and in our jobs. They just inevitably come our way. And because of the inevitability of dealing with difficult people, we ought to know how to do it. I mean, if it’s going to happen, if we’re going to have to deal with the difficult, then we might as well have an action plan, right? And, if we’re committed to glorifying God at our jobs, then our action plan needs to be based on God’s Word. Today, we’re going to be in 2 Timothy 2. We’re going to chase after some God-honoring, super-practical principles in dealing with difficult people. 

Let’s pray and we’ll dive in.

We’re in 2 Timothy 2, starting in verse 23. 2 Timothy is the second letter that the Apostle Paul wrote to a young church leader named Timothy.

Staring in verse 23, Paul writes, “Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.” (2 Timothy 2:23-24, NLT)

These two little verses are a gold mine for those of us who want to please Jesus while we deal with difficult people. God spells out exactly how we do it.

God tells me that when I’m dealing with a difficult person, I have to watch my attitude. I have to watch MY attitude. That’s where it starts. Most of the time when we’re dealing with a difficult person, we want to place all the focus on them. What’s wrong with them? But God says that that’s the wrong place to start. It has to start with us. We start by keeping our own attitude in check.

Frank Logue said, “I have come to the conclusion that if you do not have any difficult people in your life, God will issue you one. In fact God will probably issue you more than one. 

But I have also learned something else about difficult people—they are a gift. Perhaps a gift in odd wrapping paper with the bow all askew, but a gift nonetheless.

The gift comes as the problem person helps you deal with the rough edges in your own life. You don't get the privilege of fixing the other person. You just get to deal with yourself.”

Go back and look at what the Bible says in 2 Timothy. “A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.” (2 Timothy 2:23-24, NLT)

When we’re dealing with a difficult person, look at all the things that God throws back on us. We must be kind to everyone. If you’re like me, you don’t really care for that word “everyone.” Everyone means…everyone. I must be kind to everyone…even the person that gets on my last nerve. Even the person who is combative or argumentative. Even the chronic complainer, the lazy bum, the kiss-up, the manipulator…everyone. 

This is a hallmark of someone who is staying in step with God’s Spirit. There is a kindness in their attitude that is shown to everyone…even the difficult.

God also calls us to be patient with difficult people. This text was originally written in Greek, and the Greek here literally means “holding up under bad.”

That’s a pretty good description of patience. Holding up under bad. Even when a difficult person seems to heap bad stuff on us, we hold up.

There’s one more trait that God puts on us in these situations, and at first glance, it seems a little out place. He says that we are to be able to teach. That seems a little misplaced at first, but when you think about it, it fits absolutely perfectly.

If I watch my attitude when I’m dealing with a difficult person, if I am kind when they are not, if I am patient when they’re losing it, I may be creating a teachable moment. I may be creating a moment where that person begins to notice that I’m different than other people they work with. I react differently. I speak differently. I live differently. I may be creating an opportunity for that person to see the difference that Jesus has made in my life.

Is that a stretch? Sometimes it is. In some situations, the person just isn’t teachable. But in other situations, your reaction to a challenging person can create a God-moment.

It doesn’t happen every time. In fact, it doesn’t happen a lot of the time. But I can tell you this…if you react to a difficult person with a harsh, vindictive, you-hit-me-and-I-hit-back-harder attitude, you’re guaranteed to never create those moments. Ever.

When you’re dealing with a difficult person, your primary focus shouldn’t be on that person. It should be on yourself. You should be focused on your own attitude.

In Romans 12, the Bible says, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:17-18, NIV)

These verses aren’t about the person who has done evil to me. It isn’t about the difficult, challenging, negative, critical person at my job. It’s about me.

Don’t repay evil for evil. That’s on me. It’s about my response.

Be careful to do what is right. That’s about my actions. It’s about what I do, not what anyone else does.

And then the Bible says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” I do whatever is possible, whatever I can to live at peace with everyone. It’s not always going to be possible, but I can’t be the one who makes peace impossible.

This isn’t easy stuff. It’s one thing to sit in church and listen to this on Sunday. It’s another thing to make this happen at work on Wednesday. 

But why is it so important? Why do we need to work so hard on our own attitudes when we’re dealing with difficult people?

Go back and look at our text again. “A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.” (2 Timothy 2:23-24, NLT)

The Bible tells us why we have to watch our attitude so closely. It’s found in the very beginning of this verse. 

We do it because we’re servants of the Lord. We don’t do it because it’s easy. We don’t do it to prove that we’re superior. We don’t do it because the other person deserves it. We work hard to keep our attitude in check because we love Jesus and we want to glorify him while we’re on the job. We want to serve him in every area of our lives.

At the end of the day, your attitude may or may not have a positive effect on a difficult person. It may or may not change the situation. It may or may not even be noticed by the other person. And none of that matters. At the end of the day, when your head hits the pillow, it’s about looking back on your encounter with a difficult person and knowing that Jesus was pleased with how you carried yourself. You honored him with your attitude. It’s about realizing that this is all that really matters.

This is why Frank Logue referred to difficult people as a gift. If you never had difficult people in your life, you could never cultivate the godly character traits of kindness and patience. When you really think about it, you should thank God that you have a difficult person in your life. I know that sounds totally whacked out. You can’t believe I said it. I can’t believe I said it. But when you think about it, it’s true. You should thank God for the difficult person in your life, because this person is giving you an opportunity to become more like Jesus.

Now let’s look at the second half of God’s plan for dealing with the difficult. When I’m dealing with a difficult person, I have to watch my attitude and my altitude. I’ve got to watch my altitude, making sure I stay above the situation. I can’t allow myself to sink down to their level. I’ve got to watch my altitude.

Back to our verses from 2 Timothy. “Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.” (2 Timothy 2:23-24, NLT)

We’ve already unpacked the second verse, which is all about our attitude. Now check out the first verse of the passage. It’s all about our altitude.

Verse 23 says, “Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.” (2 Timothy 2:23, NLT)

It’s all about our altitude. Difficult people will try to bring you down to their level. They’ll try to pull you into foolish, ignorant arguments. They’ll try to manipulate, anger, and discourage you, which, as the Bible says, only leads to fights and arguments.

Sometimes you can diffuse the situation with your attitude, like we talked about earlier. Your attitude counteracts theirs, and the situation improves. But what if that’s just not happening? 

The first step is Christ-centered confrontation. Notice that I said a Christ-centered confrontation, as opposed to an anger-centered confrontation.

The Bible says in the book of Proverbs, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1, NIV)

A disciple of Jesus confronts people while maintaining their attitude and their altitude. Gentle, but direct, confrontation has the power to change the situation because it’s the way that God prescribes. Confrontation that springs out of anger is not going to improve the situation. It’s going to make a bad situation worse.

You have to decide what your motivation is. If your goal is to make yourself feel better, then confront out of anger. It will feel good at the time. You’ll walk away, saying, “Man, I really told him off.” “I gave her what she had coming to her.” 

But if your goal is to glorify Christ, confront directly and honestly and gently. And by the way, from a practical standpoint, this isn’t just the option that will honor Jesus. It’s also the option that works. Strange how that happens, isn’t it? That God’s way is also the best way. Imagine that.

Christ-centered confrontation is our first step in dealing with a difficult person. But what if we’ve done that and nothing has changed? This works, but I never said it works every time. Sometimes the other person is too obstinate or too difficult for this to work. What do you do then?

Sometimes the only way to diffuse the situation is distance. There are times where the best way to maintain your attitude and altitude is by putting distance between you and the difficult person.

Go back to our text in 2 Timothy. The Bible says “don’t get involved” in the stupid arguments and fights. 

Other translations say, “Don’t have anything to do with…” (NIV)

“Refuse” (NASB)

“Avoid” (KJV)

I especially like that last one from the King James Version. Avoid the stupid, foolish, ignorant arguments and disputes. Sometimes the only way to maintain your altitude is by changing your latitude. In other words, by distancing yourself from that person.

This isn’t the first step you take. But if a person is continually problematic, if they continue to hurt you, anger you, frustrate you, or discourage you…there comes a point where you stop giving them that opportunity. 

Anne Lamott wrote in her book, Bird by Bird, “I don't think you have time to waste on someone who does not respond to you with kindness and respect. You don't want to spend your time around people who make you hold your breath.”

I’ve had those people in my life. When I see their name on my caller ID, my stomach tightens. When they walk into a room, I hold my breath. Because I’m always wondering what’s next. What are they going to do next? How are they going to criticize me now? What have they found to complain about this time? How is their negativity going to come out today?

It hasn’t always been possible, but I’ll tell you, when I’ve been able to put distance between myself and these people, things get a whole lot better. 

Some people would tell you, “That’s not Biblical. The Bible doesn’t tell us to distance ourselves from other people.” Anyone who says that doesn’t know the Bible as well as they’d like to imagine.

In the book of Titus, the Bible says, “But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him.” (Titus 3:9-10, NIV)

Distance isn’t the first option. The first option is to try to resolve the situation. In fact, we try multiple times to get things straight. But if the person is obstinate and they just keep trying to bring us down to their level, the Bible gives us permission to “have nothing to do with him.”

Some of you have done this, and you’re feeling guilty about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have broken off that relationship. Maybe that was wrong. If you followed this Biblical model, you shouldn’t be feeling guilty. You should be feeling godly. 

See, this is the stuff you don’t expect to be preached at church, is it? This is the stuff in the Bible that churches tend to avoid. But there is freedom when you follow the principles of the Bible, even the hard ones.

Some of you have broken off relationships, you have cut ties with a person, and it was hard to do. But let me ask you something…after it’s over, isn’t there a new found sense of freedom in your life? Isn’t there freedom knowing that you don’t have to keep dealing with the same stuff from this person over and over again? Isn’t it freeing to know that this person isn’t going to be around to try to pull you down again? 

God knows what he’s talking about, doesn’t he? Sometimes the only way to diffuse the situation is distance. It’s not the first option. And it’s not something that we need to do often in our lives. But there are those times when distance is the only option. And if you follow the Biblical model, distance can be a good, godly option.

But then there are other times when distance isn’t possible. That’s the case a lot of the time at work, isn’t it? You can try to put distance between yourself and a difficult person, but sometimes that person is your boss and you can’t avoid them. Sometimes it’s a co-worker that you have to work with on a project team or committee, whether you like it or not. 

The principle remains the same. When you’re dealing with a difficult person, you’ve got to watch your altitude and not allow yourself to get pulled down by them. How can you do that when there is no way for you to get away from them? Let me give you a Biblical answer to that question that you’re probably not going to want to hear.

Pray for them. Told you that you didn’t want to hear it. Praying for a challenging person isn’t easy, but it’s Biblical.

Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:43-45a, NIV)

Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you.

Some of you are thinking, “I knew it. You said this was going to be practical, but then you turned around and went all preacher on me.”

Actually, nothing is more practical than prayer. When you pray for a difficult person in your life, it can do several things.

Prayer can change them. One of the reasons Jesus commanded us to pray for our enemies is that prayer can change our enemies. The problem is that most of us don’t believe that prayer is that powerful. If we did, we’d be praying for every enemy, every cantankerous, challenging, difficult person in our lives. If we really believed in the power of prayer, you couldn’t stop us from praying for the toughest people in our lives.

This is an opportunity for us to recapture our view of the power of prayer. Give it a shot. Start praying for the difficult people that surround you. Pray for that person who makes your job a nightmare. I know you feel like punching them. But instead of a punch, offer a prayer. It’s completely counter-intuitive. It’s absolutely the opposite of what you feel like doing. But trust God in this. Pray for them.

I was reading another pastor’s sermon online, and he said, “I once prayed a bad boss into a happy marriage and a move to Switzerland. I kid you not. But I didn't get to get her gone until I came to terms with some of what she brought up in me. And you won't be able to get all the problem people in your life shuttled off to Switzerland. It's just not that big a country.” (Frank Logue)

Prayer can change the situation. Prayer can change the other person. And prayer can change you.

When you pray for a difficult person, it helps you keep the situation in perspective. Praying over the situation recalibrates your view of the situation. When you pray over something, it’s amazing how something that was a really big deal can shrink back down to size. Prayer can give you an inexplicable peace about what’s happening.

Prayer can also remind you who you’re dealing with. This difficult person is someone that Jesus loves intensely. He died for this person. They may be making your life miserable, but they were created in the image of the God who loves them more than you hate them.

Prayer can change things. It can change the other person. It can change the situation. It can change you.

And finally, one more way to keep your altitude above the situation is to remember that you’re a difficult person, too.

I know, I know. I know how fun you are to be around. I know how smart you are. I know how witty, wise, and wonderful you are.

But guess what…somebody is not going to perceive you like that. The truth is, somebody doesn’t like you. You are the difficult person in someone else’s life.

And if you’re honest, you already know that. You know that you’re not always easy to get along with. You know that you’re not always easy to love. You know why? Because you are a sinful, broken person.

The Bible says that, “all have sinned, all fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23, NIV)

You are a sinful, broken person. I am a sinful, broken person. You know what that makes us in relationships? Difficult.

You know that difficult person that just gets on your last nerve? Someone views you the same way. It’s just the way it is.

I wish everyone liked me. But they don’t. Sometimes it’s their problem. Sometimes it’s my problem. But there are people who think that I’m a difficult, annoying, problem person. I’m not asking for a show of hands here. It’s just the way it is. And it’s a good thing to keep in mind when you run into your difficult person this week.

Here’s the sermon in a sentence: When I’m dealing with a difficult person, I have to watch my attitude and my altitude.

Remember, you will not answer to God for the actions of somebody else. You are accountable for the actions of one person…you. And if you are committed to glorifying God in every area of your life, then this is the plan when you run into difficult people. Watch your attitude and your altitude.

Mike Edmisten

Tags:God@Work,2 Timothy 2,attitude,confrontation,difficult people,patience,prayer