Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

Welcome to week #2 in our series called Beautiful. We’re doing a three-week series for the girls. We’re spending three weeks exploring the Word of God to see what the Lord has said about women and beauty.

Here is what he said. Psalm 45:11 – “The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” (Psalm 45:11, NIV)

You might have gotten sick of hearing this verse last week. I don’t care. We’re going to keep hitting it because this truth needs to be at the core of every single woman, without exception.

Last week, we talked about how God sees you, ladies. “The king is enthralled by your beauty…” (Psalm 45:11a, NIV) And we learned last week who this king is. Psalm 45 is a messianic Psalm. The king in this Psalm is Jesus. Jesus Christ is captivated by your beauty.

And because he is enthralled by your beauty, your life’s purpose is to honor him. “Honor him, for he is your lord.” (Psalm 45:11b, NIV)

Today, we’re going to talk about what that looks like in marriage. Today’s message is entitled, “The Wedding Dress Doesn’t Fit Anymore.” My dad heard that title this week and he simply said, “Tread lightly, my son. Tread lightly.”

I think I’ve been married long enough to navigate my way through this. Maybe not. But it will be fun to find out, won’t it?

Ladies, if you’ve been married any length of time at all, your wedding dress probably doesn’t fit anymore, does it? Now, to be fair, your husband probably couldn’t get into his wedding tux if you greased him up with Crisco. But our culture doesn’t pay a lot of attention to that. If a man gets fat, we call him husky. He’s barrel-chested. He’s robust. He’s solid.

But ladies, if you can’t slip into your wedding dress anymore, it’s a whole different ballgame, isn’t it? And some of you have so bought into this cultural view and because of that, you will never see yourself as beautiful.

The Bible tells you differently. The Bible says that you can be a beautiful wife, whether you can fit into your wedding dress or not.

Here’s what we all need to know as we dive into this. God thinks marriage is a beautiful thing. It was His idea and His creation. And in Hebrews 13, God says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…” (Hebrews 13:4a, NIV)

God created marriage. He thinks it’s beautiful, so he commands us to honor it. He says that “marriage should be honored by all.” Honored by ALL. Everyone. No exception. If you are married, you honor it. If you are single, you honor marriage, whether or not you ever get married yourself. If you are a widow or a widower, you honor the marriage that you had and you honor the marriages around you. If you are divorced, you still have to honor marriage, regardless of why your marriage came to an end.

Marriage is beautiful in God’s sight, therefore we give it honor. And for those of us who are married, that means we honor the person that we’re married to. And guys, it starts with us. We’ve been saying that this series is for the girls, but in reality, God has some very powerful truths that we need to know as men. And none are more important than this truth…as the leaders of our homes, honoring our marriages starts with us.

Guys, the way you honor your wife is to make sure she knows how beautiful she is. I’ll let you in on a little secret, guys. Your wife probably doesn’t think that she’s beautiful. Yeah, I know we talked about it last week. And maybe she made a little progress this week. But it’s going to take more than one sermon or even one series of sermons to convince her. It’s going to take you doing your God-given job as her husband.

If you’ve ever read the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament, you know that it is a passionate love story between a husband and wife. Some people are uncomfortable with all the steamy sexual language and images in the book, so they tried to over-spiritualize it. Instead of a passionate, romantic love story between a husband and wife, some people have tried to say that this book is about how Jesus loves the church. Um…I’ve read the book. And I’ve gotta tell you…that’s just freaky. Seriously, go home and read the fourth chapter of Song of Solomon and tell me that’s about Jesus and the church. That’s flat out weird.

This isn’t about Jesus and his church. It’s about a husband and wife who are passionately devoted to one another. There’s no need to try to find a more “religious” explanation of this book. The intimacy of husband and wife in marriage is absolutely pure and holy in God’s sight.

Now, check out this scene that plays out right in the beginning of the book. The woman says to her man, “Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected. (Song of Solomon 1:6, NIV)

This verse only makes sense if you understand the cultural context. This culture was the exact opposite of ours when it came to suntans. Tanned skin was considered unattractive for a woman. Ladies, if you go to a tanning bed or you lounge out by the pool, the women of this time period would think that you have lost your mind. They wanted to be fair-skinned. They didn’t even want a hint of a tan, because their fair skin was a sign that they didn’t have to work outside in the fields. It meant that they kept their femininity. It meant that they kept their beauty.

But because of the cruelty of her brothers, this woman had been forced to work in the vineyards and the sun had tanned her skin. So she pleaded her man, “Do not stare at me because I am dark.” This is the cultural equivalent of, “Don’t look at me. I’ve gained too much weight. Don’t look at me. I have crow’s feet. Don’t look at me. My hips are too big. Don’t look at me. My breasts are too small.”

You get the idea? Culture has always been the barometer that women use to decide if they’re beautiful or not. This isn’t new. This woman in Song of Solomon had listened to her culture tell her, “You’re tan. You’ve been working in the field like a man. There is nothing feminine, nothing sexy, nothing beautiful about you.” She was a country girl who was forced to do blue collar labor. And the city girls, who were thought to be more beautiful and more sophisticated, let her know it. Everything in her culture told her that she didn’t measure up…and she bought it. So she says to her man, “Just look away. I don’t want you staring at me.”

Listen to how he responds. “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!” (Song of Solomon 1:15, NIV)

He totally ignored everything she said. This woman saw nothing but the flaws and imperfections of her body. She asked him not to even look at her. She was about as far away from beautiful as she could get in her own eyes.

But that’s when her man jumped in and said, “Wait a minute. You need to know how I see you. You are so incredibly beautiful. You tell me not to look at you, but I can’t look away.”

Guys, that’s how a man of God responds. Your wife needs to see her beautiful reflection in your eyes. Her reflection can’t come from the bathroom mirror. It certainly can’t come from whatever our culture believes is beautiful. It has to come from you.

That puts a ton of responsibility on us as men. When is the last time you told your wife that she is beautiful? When is the last time that you told her exactly how you see her? When is the last time you held her close and made sure that she knows how special she is? Guys, there are some wives here today who wish they were your golf clubs, because at least those golf clubs get held.

There are some men here today, and I use the term “men” loosely, who are failing miserably in their God-given role in their home. Your role is to lead. Your role is to bring honor into your marriage.

God designed women to be poured into. Without getting too explicit, that is even evident by the physical design of their bodies. God designed women to be poured into physically and emotionally and spiritually.

That is so evident as you read through the Bible. There aren’t very many Scriptures in the New Testament that tell wives to serve their husbands. But there are a lot of Scriptures that tell husbands to serve their wives. That’s because God designed women to be poured into. Your wife needs you to pour into her. She needs praise and affirmation and encouragement poured into her. It’s one of your primary jobs as the servant-leader of your home.

Some of you guys don’t have a romantic bone in your body. You have a very difficult time saying the words that your wife needs to hear. It’s really hard for you to do things to show your wife how attractive and sexy and beautiful she is to you.

I know it’s really tough for some of us to do that, but you can’t use that as a cop out. If you don’t consistently pour into your wife, you are shirking your duty as her husband. You don’t tell her how you see her, you don’t do anything to show her how you feel about her, you don’t pour into her. And all the while, your wife is suffering in silence, believing that she isn’t beautiful, that she’ll never measure up. All because you can’t bring yourself to say the words???

Maybe you think that tough guys, real men don’t do that. You’ve got it backwards, buddy. Real men tell their women exactly what their women desperately need to hear. They do whatever it takes to show their lady how beautiful she really is. That’s what real men do. It’s the weak and pathetic men who wuss out and let their wives silently suffer.

I’m thankful that we’ve got some real men here at Amelia. There are husbands here who are living up to the leadership role that God has given them. They understand that their wife is a precious gift of God. They know that their primary job as her husband is to pour into her. To always be there, always telling her how he sees her, always doing whatever it takes to show her how beautiful she is in his eyes.

And guys, if you do this consistently in your marriage, it makes a difference, doesn’t it? It changes your wife. It puts a spring in her step. It gives her confidence. It makes your relationship stronger, in every way. It flat out heats things up.

The woman in Song of Solomon was saying, “Don’t look at me. My skin is dark. I’m not the fair, sophisticated, beautiful city girl. I’m an ugly country bumpkin.”

Her man looked at her and said, “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!” (Song of Solomon 1:15, NIV)

Look at what she said in the very next verse. “How handsome you are, my beloved, And so pleasant! Indeed, our couch is luxuriant!” (Song of Solomon 1:16, NASB)

Did you see the change? This woman went from, “Don’t look at me,” to, “Come to bed with me.” What changed? Her man stepped in and changed her perspective. Instead of letting culture define her beauty, he stepped in and told her how beautiful she was to him. He freed her from the chains that culture always tries to put on ladies. When a woman realizes that she doesn’t have to look like the model on the magazine cover, who by the way, is a fake woman created by Photoshop…when she knows that she doesn’t have to compete with that, but instead she knows that she is beautiful in the eyes of her husband…things start to happen.

Not too long ago, Nicki and I talked about this when we were out on a date. (By the way, guys…you need to date your wife. Don’t use the kids as an excuse. Get a sitter, and take her out.) We were talking as we were driving down the road, and the topic turned to our relationship. When we were newlyweds, I really struggled in the romance department. I felt awkward saying and doing anything romantic. And it showed in our relationship.

Now, our relationship was never bad. By most people’s standards, we had a very good marriage right from the start. But it is so much different and so much better now. Nicki and I were talking about how much our marriage has grown. And she said, “It happened when you started telling me how you see me. Things changed when you started telling me how sexy and attractive and beautiful I am to you.”

When I got over myself and starting pouring into my wife the way God intended, it lit a fuse that I didn’t even know was there. Everything is different. Everything is better. You think your honeymoon was passionate and romantic? Shoot. I’m on my honeymoon now. Our 12 year anniversary is next month and it’s better now than it’s ever been. And I don’t intend to let that trend stop. When we hit the 20 year, 30 year, 40 year mile markers, our marriage will be better then than it is now. And if you don’t believe that is possible, you’ll just have to let us prove you wrong.

Now, anytime I preach about anything that is romantic or sexual in nature, there’s a good chance that somebody is going to misquote, misunderstand, or misinterpret what I’m saying. Guys, I am not saying that you sweet talk your wife to get sex. Ok? You got that? That wasn’t why the man in Song of Solomon told his wife that she was beautiful. It’s not the reason I tell my wife that she is beautiful. Godly men say and do whatever it takes to show their wives how beautiful they are simply because that’s what men of God do. Guys, you don’t need any other reason than that. It is God’s will for you and your marriage. That’s all the reason you need.

But the gift of God is that, if you do this, your wife is likely to respond. It’s not why you do these things. It’s a blessing that comes from obedience to God.

Now, for some of you, it’s not going to happen overnight. Yeah, I know…the woman in Song of Solomon changed in the span of one verse. Flip a switch and bam! That’s because her man was consistent in this. This wasn’t the first time he had expressed how beautiful she was.

Guys, if your wife hasn’t heard this from you in a long time…then it’s going to take a long time. At first, she might even seem to blow you off. She might not believe you. She might think that you have an ulterior motive. You can’t erase years of silence with one, “You’re beautiful.” You didn’t get to where you are overnight, and you’re not going to get out of it overnight. But if you’re consistent in this, you will get out of it.

Your marriage can be different. It can be better. If your relationship is in deep trouble, you need to seek out some professional counseling. I can refer you to some awesome Christian counselors. Don’t let your stupid pride keep you from doing that.

The point is that, wherever your relationship is, it doesn’t have to stay there. Your marriage will improve when you start handling it the way that God has commanded. Yielding to God’s will and obeying God’s Word will bring about God’s blessings.

Now, wives…you can help this process along. It will be a lot easier for your husband to be who God has called him to be if you are the wife that God has called you to be.

“The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” (Psalm 45:11, NIV) Ladies, if this is the core truth of your life, then the question becomes, “How do I honor the king? How do I honor Jesus in all that I do?” And if you’re married or you’re going to be married someday, you’ve got to ask, “How do I honor Jesus in my marriage?”

The book of Proverbs says, “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4, NIV)

Ladies, if you want to be treated like a queen, then you’ve got to remember that you are the crown for your king. In other words, you can be a crown jewel, which will help your husband be the man of God that he was created to be. Or, you can help him slowly wither away, taking him further and further away from who God wants him to be.

If you want to honor Jesus in your marriage, then you’ve got to honor the man that you’re married to. And this means that you’ve got to approach it with an attitude of selflessness.

I know this might get me in trouble, but ladies, I don’t see any Scripture that allows you to be a drama queen. I don’t see anything in the Bible that says, “Hey, it’s ok. Be selfish. Make a big deal out of everything. After all, you’re just being a “high maintenance” woman. It’s ok to act like a whiny, selfish little kid, always wanting to get your own way.”

That’s not a beautiful wife. That’s not a godly wife. That’s not a wife who is her husband’s crown. That’s a wife who is decay in his bones.

In Proverbs 31, the Bible says, “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:10-12, NIV)

Let’s break this apart, because there is some good stuff here.

First of all, a godly wife is rare. The Bible says, “Who can find one? A godly wife is rare. She is worth more than precious jewels.”

Ladies, that means that you can’t follow the lead of most of the women that you know. Just because your friends approach their marriage this way doesn’t mean that it is God’s way. That even goes for women in the church. Don’t assume that, just because a woman goes to church, that she is a godly wife. I’ve met a lot of “church women” who were far from being a godly wife.

Now, thankfully we do have some beautiful, godly wives here at Amelia. But you’ve got to go in knowing that this is rare. You won’t see it in most of the women that you know.

The Bible says that a beautiful woman of God has the full confidence of her husband. Because of everything she brings to his life, the Bible says that he lacks nothing of value. Your family may not be rich. You might be struggling with bills. But if you are a beautiful women of God, your husband is a rich man. He lacks nothing of value because of the blessing you are in his life.

But the key is in verse 12. “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Ladies, if you want to be a beautiful wife, then this is your purpose. Your purpose is to do whatever is good for your husband. Your purpose is building him up. You selflessly abandon your own desires to build up your husband for his good.

I know that’s not politically correct in our cultural climate. The selfless, submissive wife doesn’t fit the mindset of our culture. But ladies, remember what we’ve been saying all along. You can take your cues from our society and you can try to be beautiful in the eyes of our culture. You will lose every time. Or, you can honor the king who is enthralled by your beauty. You honor Jesus when you approach your marriage with an attitude of selflessness.

Ladies, you’ll be amazed at what this does for your husband. Your man wants you to believe that he is strong, confident, and self-assured. Let me tell you a little secret…he’s not. God created women to be poured into. He created men to be built up.

Listen to what the Bible says about the wife of noble character a little later in Proverbs 31. “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.” (Proverbs 31:23, NIV)

Her husband walks tall our in public, he is respected by his peers because he is honored at home. Ladies, do you want your man to rise high? Do you want him to be an achiever? It starts with you. Build him up. Be selfless. Put the drama away. Don’t make a federal case out of every little screw up he might make. Build him up. It’s not easy, but God has told you that this is the way you bring out the best in your man. This is the way to help him become the husband that God wants him to be, which will in turn be a great blessing to you.

I hope your sensing a pattern here. Husbands and wives, if you want a beautiful marriage, if you want a hotter, more passionate, more loving, more committed relationship, then selflessness is the key.

Colossians 3 sums it up by saying, “Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don’t take advantage of them.” (Colossians 3:18-19, The Message)

Husbands, God has created your wife to be poured into. You can help her become the wife God wants her to be when you are romantic. When you tell her how beautiful she is. When you serve her. When you communicate that she is more valuable than rubies to you.

Wives, God has created your husband to be built up. He needs to be respected and honored at home. Instead of belittling him, you build him up. You understand that God has placed him in a position of leadership in your home. That doesn’t mean that he’ll lead perfectly, but you support him in that role.

If you will both put away your pride and live with an attitude of selflessness, your marriage will grow so much that it will blow your mind. That’s what happens when you live in the will and the Word of God.

One more passage from Proverbs 31…“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” (Proverbs 31:30-31, NIV)

Ladies, the wedding dress probably doesn’t fit anymore. Those days of youthful beauty are fleeting. But wives, you can still be beautiful over the long haul. Your beauty comes from living with a selfless, beautiful character…from being the kind of wife that God has designed you to be.

Guys, if you have a godly wife, whether or not she can fit into that wedding dress anymore is irrelevant. She is still beautiful. In these verses, God has called you to praise her. She needs it. She deserves it. Jesus is enthralled by her beauty. Everyday in your marriage, you need to tell her that you are, too.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: Beautiful, marriage, Psalm 45, Song of Solomon