Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

If you couldn’t tell from the video, we’re going to have so much fun over the next four weeks. We’re kicking off a brand new series here at ACC called Love Story. We’re going to have a blast together over this next month.

Here’s the question. Is it a fairy tale or can it really happen? Is a real life love story even possible, or is it something that is only found in Danielle Steel novels?

Those are very relevant questions because, if all you did was take a look around, you would probably feel like a real life love story can’t happen.

The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world. Andrew Cherlin, who wrote the book The Marriage Go-Round, said, “We divorce, repartner, and remarry faster than people in any other country.” 40% of American children born in a two-parent home will experience a parental break-up by the time they’re 15 years old.

Happily ever after sure seems like Snow White and Prince Charming fiction. But here’s the deal…that is not God’s design. That is not His plan.

The Bible has an incredible amount of truth for us regarding our relationships. Over the next four weeks, God is going to bring that truth to life for us.

This series is for everybody. Singles. Married folks. People who have gone through divorce. It’s for all of us.

I can’t wait to get started. Let’s seek God’s favor on us as we get things rolling.

We’re going to cover it all in this series…from dating relationships all the way through a long and lasting marriage. Today, we’re talking about finding “the one.” We’re going to talk about things to look for in a potential spouse. I know a lot of you are married and don’t think this applies to you, but hang with me. I’ve got some stuff cooking for you today that you absolutely need to hear. Especially if you are a parent.

But before we get into all of this dating and relationships, there is something we need to tackle right out of the gate.

Singleness is not a disease

If you’re single, then you know what I’m talking about. So many people get on a single person’s case. “Are you dating anyone? Is it serious? Are you engaged? Have you set a date? When are you going to get married?” We treat singleness like a disease and marriage as the cure.

I used to go to a church that had a Sunday School class called “Pairs and Spares.” It was a class for young singles and young married couples, but the class was called “Pairs and Spares.” That is incredibly hurtful and incredibly wrong. If you’re a single person, you’re not a “spare.” You’re not some spare part lying around on a shelf.

But the name of that class really communicates how we view singleness. Almost 90% of people in our country get married at least once. Our culture really sees singleness is something to be avoided. You’ve got to get married. You’ve got to be a pair, not a spare.

That is not what the Scripture says. In 1 Corinthians 7, the Bible says, “It is good for a man not to marry.” (1 Corinthians 7:1b, NIV)

It is GOOD not to marry. The Bible says that it is GOOD to be single.

Couple that verse with this one. “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil…” (Isaiah 5:20a, NIV)

Some of you need to repent of the way you have treated single people. You have treated singleness like a disease. You have pushed and pressured people to get married because you view singleness as inferior. You teach that singleness is bad…but the Bible says that it is good. And if the Bible says something is good…and we say it is bad…we are in sin. It is sin.

The Bible specifically says that singleness is good. If you have some single folks in your life, you might need to back off. Stop putting pressure on them. Maybe they’ll get married someday. Maybe they won’t. But either way…it’s THEIR decision. It’s not YOUR decision. If they choose to remain single their whole life, the Bible says that is a good, godly choice.

If you are single, don’t let anyone pressure you to take a step that you’re not ready to take. You live your life for an audience of One. You live to please God alone. If God says it’s time to get married, that is a blessing. If God calls you to live as a single person, that is a blessing.

There are different blessings that come with being single and being married, but both can be blessed by God. Don’t let other people define blessing for you. Listen to God. Seek His blessing in your life. Because He can bless you if you’re married and He can bless you if you’re single.

Honestly, there are people who shouldn’t get married. It would be a huge mistake for them. There are people who are not at all ready for the added responsibility of marriage.

If you think that marriage is going to solve your problems, don’t get married. Marriage doesn’t solve problems. It creates and compounds problems. Marriage doesn’t simplify your life. It complicates your life.

If you think that you need to get married so you can have sex without guilt, don’t get married. I went to college with a guy who was dating a girl. This couple was always struggling and fighting. ALWAYS!

He told me one day, “It will all be better after we get married. We’ll be able to have sex and that will get rid of all this tension. That will really solve everything.” That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Listen…if you have problems in a relationship while you’re fully clothed, losing the clothing doesn’t mean losing your problems.

Someone else who shouldn’t get married…a selfish person. If you are a selfish person, you shouldn’t get married. Selfishness in marriage is a recipe for disaster. If everything has to be your way, do yourself a favor…don’t get married! If you’re not ready to sacrifice everything…and I mean EVERYTHING… for another person, do not get married.

There are a myriad of reasons why someone should not get married. But close to 90% of people in our country have been married at least once by the age of 40. Here’s the problem…90% of people get married, but there is no way that 90% of people are READY to get married.

If you are not ready to be married, there is no shame in it. Maybe God has some changes to make in your life. Maybe He has called you to live a blessed single life. The worst thing you can do is to get ahead of God. If God isn’t calling you to get married, then getting married would be the most disastrous thing you could possibly do. Don’t listen to the well-meaning, but totally wrong, people who are pressuring you to get married.

The Bible tells us it is good for a man not to marry. Remaining single is a good, godly choice. It is a totally valid option for God’s people.

The Bible also says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22, NIV)

Is this a contradiction? Not at all. The Bible says that singleness is good. It also says that marriage is good. It’s not a contradiction. It simply means that both the single person and the married person can be blessed by God. God has wired some people to live a blessed, single life. I’ve met single people who are absolutely content. They are blessed by God and are content to remain single. God will honor that.

The Lord has wired other people to desire marriage. And the Bible says that if we find a godly person to marry, we receive favor from the Lord. It is a blessing.

If that’s true, then why are so many people in marriages that feel like something less than a blessing? Why do over 50% of marriages end in divorce? For starters, it’s because so many people don’t seek the right things in a potential mate. That’s what we’re going to talk about for the rest of our time today. If you do believe God has wired you for marriage, we’re going to talk about finding “the one.” What do you need to look for in a potential spouse?

For those of you who are already married, hang with me. Because we’re going to talk about a lot of things that you have to be instilling in your kids. As their parents and grandparents, it’s up to you to set them up for success in their relationships. And we’re going to talk about how to do that today.

What do you look for in a potential spouse? How do you know you’ve found “the one?” Let’s get into the Word and hear what God has to tell us.

First of all, God tells us that Christians date Christians…period. If you are a Christ-follower and the person you are dating is not, that person is not the one. That’s harsh, but that’s not me talking. That’s the Bible talking.

2 Corinthians tells us, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people." (2 Corinthians 6:14-16, NIV)

This is not necessarily a Scripture specifically about relationships, but the overarching principle definitely applies.

For a relationship to succeed, it has to be built on commonality. Opposites might attract in the smaller details of life, but when you’re talking about a possible marriage relationship, it has to be built on a strong foundation of commonality. Common beliefs. Common goals. Common values.

Paul asks the questions, “What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”

A believer in Christ lives for the glory of Christ. An unbeliever does not. A believer lives to please Christ. An unbeliever does not. A believer filters all decisions through Scripture. An unbeliever does not.

Paul said, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” This is an agricultural reference. Think of a yoke of oxen. The oxen are all yoked together for one purpose…pulling the wagon. They are all on the same team working toward the same goal.

Believers and unbelievers are not on the same team. It’s like yoking two oxen together who want to go in opposite directions. What’s the end result…the wagon doesn’t move. Nothing happens because the oxen have different goals.

When you get married, you are yoking your life together with the other person. You are a team and you had better be working toward the same goals. That can’t happen if one person wants to please Jesus and the other doesn’t care about Jesus.

At the very foundation of the relationship, there is nothing in common. And two people whose lives are built on completely different foundations don’t stand a chance.

This is why, if you’re a believer in Christ, you don’t date someone who is not a believer in Christ.

“But we’re just dating. We’re just having fun. It’s not serious.” What happens when things change? What happens when you start developing more serious feelings for this person? What happens when they develop strong feelings for you? At what point do you say, “Nope. That’s it. I was just having fun, but you don’t love Jesus, so it’s over. Basically, I was just using you.”

There’s no way that can end well. It’s much wiser to never even let it get started. Seriously, why would you date someone that you know that you will never marry? If you can’t see yourself marrying them, why go on the date? Why even start a relationship that you know is doomed to fail?

“Well, I can convert them. I’ll win them to Jesus.” Possibly. But honestly, they need to give their lives to Christ before your dating relationship begins. You’ve got to do things in order of importance and this person’s relationship with Jesus is a lot more important then their relationship with you.

The bottom line is that if you love Jesus, then you want to fall in love with someone who loves Jesus. If that is not the #1 priority in your search for “the one,” then you need to work on your relationship with Jesus before you ever seek a relationship with another person. If you love Jesus, then you won’t even entertain the idea of a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t love Jesus. It is the deal breaker.

Notice I said that you want to find someone who loves Jesus. Not someone who simply claims Jesus.

The book of Titus says, “To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good. (Titus 1:15-16, NIV)

In your search for “the one,” you can’t just choose someone who says, “I’m a Christian.” In our culture, the term “Christian” is so overused and misused that it really doesn’t mean anything anymore. Don’t just buy it when someone claims Christ. Do their actions back up their claim?

Guys, if you have a girl who claims Christ, but is jealous, controlling, and manipulative…you are not dating a godly woman. She may claim Christ, but her actions reveal the truth.

Girls, if you have a guy who lifts his hands in worship but then tries to put those same hands on your body, you are not dating a godly man. Regardless of what he claims, his actions reveal the truth.

I’m not suggesting that you hold out for someone who is perfect. You’ll be waiting a long time if that is your criterion. But at the same time, don’t you dare settle for someone who claims the name of Christ but doesn’t live under the Lordship of Christ. You deserve better than that.

Girls, you deserve a man of God. A man of integrity. A man who will work hard to provide for you and any children you might have. A man who desires a godly sex life, meaning he’ll wait for the honeymoon bedroom instead of feeling you up in the backseat.

Guys, you deserve a woman who loves the Lord. A woman with a gentle spirit. A woman who is a support and encouragement to you. A woman who doesn’t put her body on display for every man to see because she knows her body is reserved for one man…a godly husband.

I know this doesn’t make the dating life easier. It actually makes it a lot more difficult. Men and women like this are tough to find.

That’s why the Bible says things like, “Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?” (Proverbs 20:6 NIV) and, “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10, NIV)

It’s not easy. It never has been. Some of you have been looking for “the one” for a long time. You’ve got a string of losers in your past a mile long. But the man or woman of God that you seek never seems to come along.

I’ve got a couple of things to say to you. First of all, don’t settle. Don’t lower your standards. Don’t dumb it down just so you can find someone to marry. Marrying the wrong person is much worse than not marrying at all. If you don’t believe me, talk to any divorced person you can find. Ask them how much pain they would have been spared if they simply chose not to get married.

Don’t settle. Don’t lower your standards just so you can be with someone.

And secondly, you need to learn to be satisfied with God alone.

The words of Psalm 62 need to be burned into your mind and heart. “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.” (Psalm 62:5-7, NIV)

God is enough for you. You don’t need a man or a woman to complete you. If you think you won’t be complete until you get married, that might be the very reason that God is keeping you single. To teach you that He is enough for you.

I’ve known several people who were single for a long time. They desperately searched for “the one,” but then they finally just gave up and said, “You know what, God? You’re all I need. If I never get married, I have You and You’re enough for me.”

And it’s amazing how many people, once they reach that conclusion, find “the one.” Once they could honestly say, “God, you’re enough for me,” then God saw fit to bless them with a mate. It’s counter-intuitive, but that’s how God works.

I’m not guaranteeing that will happen for you. But what I am saying is that you’ve got to get to a point where God is enough for you. Because even if you do get married, this person that you’re marrying is a human being. A flawed, imperfect human being who is going to let you down. They will disappoint you. And if this person is you’re everything…if you have set this person up as the messiah who will save you from your aloneness…they will let you down. They can’t live up to that.

But if God is all you need, that sets your significant other free. They are free to be human. They can make mistakes. They don’t have to be perfect because they don’t have to be your savior. They don’t have to be your god. That position is already filled. It lifts a huge burden off of their shoulders and it saves you from a boatload of disappointment.

Parents…we need to be having this discussion with our kids NOW. Everything that we’ve talked about today…it’s your job to teach it to your kids.

In Deuteronomy 6, God says, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7, NIV)

Parents, this has to be a constant conversation. You spend your days looking for every opportunity to give a word of truth to your kids. And that definitely applies to God’s truth about relationships. It’s runs counter to everything your kids will learn from our culture. If you want the truth of God to take hold in their lives, you’d better be talking about it early and often. It is your job is to set your kids up for success in their relationships.

Guys, if you have daughters, you need to drill this into them. No guy is allowed to date you, call you, text you, touch you, or even look at you unless he loves Jesus. If some young punk boy that you’ve never met pulls in your driveway and honks the horn, you go out and tell him, “Son, I hope you’re dropping something off, because you sure as heck aren’t picking anything up.”

Your daughter is worthy of honor and respect, and dads, your job is make sure that the guys she dates know the score up front.

“I can’t do that. My daughter would hate me.” First of all, quit being a pansy. And secondly, she won’t hate you if you’ve had an ongoing conversation with your daughter throughout her life.

Guys, every chance you get, you need to tell your daughter that she is beautiful. She deserves to be treated with honor and respect.

But here’s the real deal for you, dads. Your daughter watches how you treat your wife. You need to treat your wife so well that your daughter wants to date guys like you. She wants to marry a guy like you. Guys, if you are the standard for how your daughter chooses a guy, is she going to date a prince or a loser?

Ladies, if you have sons, you treat their dad with such honor and respect that they want to marry a girl like you. If they date a girl with a sharp tongue, who is criticizing and condescending, your boy should turn around and walk away because he knows that a woman of God doesn’t act like that. How does he know that? He’s been watching his mama.

You need to be telling your boys constantly that your approval is what matters. Now, for some of you who don’t believe that any girl will ever be good enough for your little boy, you need to ease up. No girl is perfect. But, while you don’t demand perfection, your boys do need to know the standard for the girls they date. They’ll know that standard by what you say and what you do.

This is tough stuff, parents. This runs completely counter to everything our culture is teaching our kids. That’s why they’ve got to hear you early. They’ve got to hear you consistently. And they’ve got to see that your walk matches your talk. It’s your job to set them up for success.

God loves us enough to give us the truth. His Word gives us the truth for anything that we face in our lives, including our relationships. God loves you enough to tell you how to succeed. His Word gives crystal clear principles about dating and marriage and parenting. That’s because God is a good dad who wants to set His kids up for success.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: dating, Love Story, marriage, parenting, relationships