Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

If only it were that easy, right? It’s not easy. A real life love story isn’t easy. But it’s possible. Don’t look around at the state of relationships and marriage in our culture and become jaded. You’re looking in the wrong place. In this series, we’re looking to the Word of God and, instead of feeling jaded, it inspires us to hope. There is hope for a real life love story when we approach our relationships God’s way.

Last week, we talked about singleness. And I hope we set a few single people free last week. We also talked about finding “the one.” We saw what God has said about who does and does not qualify as a potential spouse. If you missed the message, it was a hot one. God spoke some incredible truth last week and you need to get on our website and check out the podcast.

Now, on to today. Today we’re going to talk about what to do as you date. What to do once you think you’ve found the one. Actually, we’re going to talk more about what NOT to do.

Today, we’re going to focus on some common dating disasters. If you want to screw up your marriage before it starts, then do these things. And yet, as destructive as they are, people get mired in these pitfalls all the time. But today, God is going to expose these things for what they are…disasters. Dating disasters that will absolutely mess up your marriage before it even begins.

And really, you can sum it up in one word: assumptions. If you want a disastrous dating relationship, and even a disastrous marriage, then assume. Live your life based on assumptions and you’ll wind up in a disaster.

Today we’re going to talk about some of these disastrous assumptions that can ruin your marriage before it starts. And for those of us who are married…a lot of us are still doing damage to our marriages because we haven’t let go of these assumptions.

Assumption #1 – I know everything about this person.

I’ve known a lot of young couples who thought they knew everything about this other person. They assumed that they knew all there was to know. Then they got married. All of a sudden, they figured out that they didn’t know as much as they thought they did. Whoever said this was dead on right…love might be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

When you’re in a dating relationship, don’t just assume that you know everything about this person.

The Bible says, “No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit…” (1 Corinthians 2:11a, NLT)

That verse is never more true than when we’re on a date. Think about what we go through when we’re dating. You get all showered up, dressed up, fixed up. You clean your car inside and out. You go to movies. You go to nice, upscale restaurants. And the conversation never goes beyond surface level.

In many ways, dating is the dumbest way possible to prepare for marriage because what do we try to do on a date? You try to hide the real you. Dating is all about hiding who you are. It’s not just about putting your best foot forward. It’s about hiding everything else. What person goes on a date and says, “Now that we’re here, let me tell you everything that is wrong with me?”

That never happens. It would be a little weird if it did. But, this is still a flaw in the system. So many people wear dating disguises. The other person never gets to know the person behind the mask.

But when you get married, the mask comes off, doesn’t it? And if you haven’t truly gotten to know this person while you were dating, it can be a shock to your system.

There’s got to be a better way to date. There is. It’s God’s way.

Listen to what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, NIV)

These verses should revolutionize our relationships. They should change the way we date. They should change our marriages.

Love is patient and kind. If that’s true, then I don’t need to wear a mask. I don’t need to hide my flaws and imperfections. If a person loves me, they will love me as I am. They won’t demand perfection. They won’t constantly suggest changes that I need to make so they can love me. If you are dating a person like that, you are dating the wrong person. You’re setting yourself up for some seriously hard times.

That’s because love is not self-seeking. If a person loves me, then they will be looking out for my best interests. They won’t ask what’s in it for them, but instead, they’ll want what is best for me.

When I do disappoint a person who loves me, they are not easily angered. And they don’t keep a record of wrongs. Couples who keep score in a fight are stupid. I know that’s blunt, but it’s true. It’s just plain stupid. Love doesn’t do that. If the person you are dating does, you’re dating the wrong person.

Love rejoices in the truth. That means that I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. I don’t have to play games and wear masks to make the relationship work. I can be me…the true me…and they will love me for that.

Love always perseveres. It never fails.

These verses are the model for our marriages, so they ought to also be the model for our dating relationships. As you get deeper into a relationship…as things progressively get more serious…keep these words in your mind and heart. If you have to play games and be someone you’re not to hold onto this person, I don’t know what you do have, but what you don’t have is love. And if this person won’t ever drop their guard so you can see who they really are, that’s not love, either. You and the other person have to pursue an authentic, honest relationship. If the masks never come off, you’re headed for a disaster.

Assumption #2 – Money is no problem.

This sounds like a big shift from the first assumption we talked about, but this one also has the power to ruin your marriage before it starts.

Not only is money A problem, money is THE problem. Money is a leading cause of divorce and it is the #1 thing that married couples fight about.

If you go through the entire dating and engagement process and never talk about money, you are setting yourself up for disaster on a mammoth scale. You’ve got to ask a lot of questions.

Does this person have a huge debt that you’ll inherit?

Do they believe in budgeting?

Are they a free spender or a penny pinching saver?

Do they tithe?

These are questions you have to discuss. If you take the approach that, “Oh, it will just work itself out,” you need to wake up. This is the #1 source of marital problems, and you need to know the score BEFORE you get married.

1 Timothy 6 says, “People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” (1 Timothy 6:9-10, NIV)

God lays our a firm warning about money. Look at the language in these verses. God uses all kinds of words like trap and ruin and grief and destruction.

Sounds like a lot of marriages today. Those words sound remarkably like a marriage where the couple is not on the same page about money. It truly is a disaster.

Before you get married, before you get engaged, before you even move into a more serious dating relationship…you’ve got to talk about money. You’ve got to find out where this person is in their financial thinking.

It might be an awkward conversation to get started, but it’s a conversation you have to have. Because almost every time a couple gets together, one person was raised this way about money, and the other was raised that way about money. Both of them carry their upbringing into the relationship. If one person believes one thing and the other person believes another thing, what do you get? Tension! Arguments! Fights! In serious cases, separation and divorce.

It is a tense thing to talk about. But better you talk about it now then fight about it for the rest of your lives.

And there are a ton of us who are already married that still need to do this. You are married, but you are miles apart on money. Not to sound too much like Dr. Phil, but how’s that working for you? It’s not, is it?

Take a minute to think about a marriage where you don’t fight about money. How many fights would you have left? Seriously. If you didn’t fight about money, how many fights would be left?

There are a lot of married couples who need to sit down and get everything out in the open when it comes to their finances. Some of you have never written out a budget with your spouse. If you don’t do a written budget every month, you will never be in control of your money. If you don’t tell your money what to do, it will tell you what to do.

And if you’re married, your money will probably tell you and your spouse two different things. And guess what that becomes…an unbelievable source of tension and frustration and constant arguing and fighting.

Sit down. Open the checkbook. Look at the bank statements. Actually have a conversation about where your family is going financially. If you’re going down a bad road, what do you need to do together, as a couple, to stop the bleeding?

We’re actually going to help you with this. When our small groups launch in a few months, one of the groups we’ll be offering is Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. Nicki and I can tell you from personal experience that FPU changed our lives. It revolutionized the way we handle money. The way we talk about money. The goals we have for our money.

And honestly, we don’t fight about money anymore. We used to. But we just don’t anymore. And you know what? When you don’t fight about money, you don’t fight about much else, either.

Actually, FPU ought to be the first small group that fills up. Seriously. So many people in our church are drowning in debt. You can never get ahead financially. You and your spouse are miles apart on money. You never tithe. You want to, but you’re in such a financial mess that you can’t. You need to sign up for this small group. When sign ups are open, don’t walk. Run to the sign up table.

We need to get the money talk flowing in our relationships. If you’re dating or engaged, sit down and start talking it out. It won’t be the most romantic date night you’ve ever had, but it will be one of the most worthwhile.

And if you’re already married and you’re still not talking about money, you need to understand that you’re already way behind. But it’s not too late. You just need to get in the game. Don’t assume that it will work itself out. Don’t assume that one day, everything will just magically be better. Don’t assume anything when it comes to money. Assumptions mean disaster, especially with money.

Assumption #3 – It’s just sex.

Money is the #1 source of tension in marriage. Guess what #2 is? Sex. And those fights don’t start when you’re married. They start long before that.

A ton of people will roll their eyes and say, “It’s not a big deal. It’s just sex.” No it isn’t! It’s not “just sex!” Physical intimacy can make or break your marriage.

But notice that I said your MARRIAGE. If you want to mess up your marriage before it starts, get into the bedroom before your wedding night. That will do it.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4, NIV)

We’re going to dig into this verse in a couple of weeks with the married folks. Two weeks from today, I’m preaching on married sexuality. You already know you don’t want to miss it. But this week, we’re talking to all our people who are dating or will be dating someday.

This verse says that marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure.

When it comes to sex, God designed it for the marriage bed. Not the dating bed. Not even the engagement bed. The marriage bed. And he commands that marriage be honored by everyone.

You dishonor marriage when you engage in a sexual relationship outside of marriage.

Let’s say that I buy my wife a nice gift. A nice, expensive, lavish gift. (Don’t get any wrong ideas, babe. This is just a sermon illustration.) I get my wife this incredibly beautiful, lavish gift…and then you come along and steal it.

I’m going to be hacked off, not just because you took something that wasn’t yours, but also because you dishonored my wife. I bought something for the person I love, and by taking it, you have dishonored the person that I love.

God loves marriage. He loves marriage so much that He gave marriage a precious and beautiful gift: sexual intimacy. But a lot of us have robbed marriage of that gift. When you take God’s gift for marriage, it dishonors the marriage that God deeply loves. And if we do that, this verse says that God will judge. There will be consequences for that.

You can’t afford to listen to our culture’s teaching on sex. Because culture will tell you that you need to have sex before you’re married to see if you’re compatible. Culture will say, “Hey, you wouldn’t buy car without test driving it first?”

That is not godly wisdom. If you buy into it, you’ll regret it. I promise you. You’ll regret it.

The whole thing about sexual compatibility is a myth. Here’s the deal…are you committed to a godly marriage? Are you committed to creating a home that honors Jesus? Are you committed to living faithfully to your spouse? Are you committed to serving them, putting their needs and desires ahead of your own? If so, then you will have an amazing sex life because an amazing sex life is borne out of an amazing marriage.

Now, our culture is going to think this is prudish nonsense. Just stop and consider the source. How well is our culture doing in the relationship game? If I’m supposed to listen to what culture sells about sex, then I should step back and look at the track record.

Relationships are in deep trouble all around us. Why would we listen to what people say about sex and relationships when they are so obviously getting it wrong?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to listen to God? Take a step back and look at the godly marriages that you know. Marriages that are lasting for the long haul.

It’s so obvious that our culture’s teaching on sex and relationships doesn’t work. And it’s so obvious that God’s does.

A lot of us have learned this the hard way. There is a lot of sexual sin represented in this room today. We’ve ignored God’s way. We’ve followed our culture’s way. And we’re carrying the scars to prove it.

If you are or will be in a dating relationship, one of the fastest ways to mess up your marriage before it starts is to move into physical intimacy too quickly. God demands that we honor the marriage bed. He also demands that we keep it pure.

And now, there is some single dude looking at me thinking, “Well, it’s easy for you. You’re married. You can get sex whenever you want.” Let me ask all the married guys in the house…is that the way it really works? Really?

You need to stop making excuses, bro. I know it’s tough. Sexual purity is the most difficult standard for a godly dating relationship. It is really tough. And there are no easy answers for how to stay sexually pure.

But there are basic, godly guidelines that you need to put into place.

Keep your mind pure. Be very careful what you fill your mind with, because what goes in will want to come back out.

Keep communication open. You have to talk to the other person about how far things will go. Set boundaries together and then enforce them. And be sure you do this in a non-romantic, non-passionate setting. Do it when you have enough blood in your brain to make good decisions. When the blood leaves your brain and flows to other parts of your body, your decision making isn’t so good.

Plan your time together. Know where you’re going to be. You don’t accidentally wind up in the bedroom. It’s in your head before you’re in the bed.

Guys, if you are sexually involved with the girl you’re dating, you are doing one of two things. You are screwing up your own marriage or you’re messing around with another guy’s wife.

Girls, same goes for you. You let things go too far, you’re messing with your marriage or you’re messing with another girl’s man. Either way, it’s a fast track for disaster because marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure.

God’s ways are not always easy. But they are right. They are good. And they have your best interests in mind. God didn’t give us these principles to spoil our fun. They are for our protection. They are for our benefit. So when we kick against them, we shouldn’t be surprised when things don’t work out too well.

But, there is grace. There is a second chance. We have all chosen wrong. We have chosen sin. We have grieved our Heavenly Father. But there is grace that comes from the death and resurrection of Jesus. Regardless of what sinful mistakes you have made, the love and grace of Jesus are enough to wipe it all away and give you a fresh, clean, new start in your life and to give you life for all eternity in the presence of God.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: 1 Corinthians 13, dating, Love Story, marriage, money, relationships, sex