Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

Welcome to week #3 of our Love Story series. We paused this series last week so we could focus on a huge update to our vision of Connecting, Growing, and Serving. If you weren’t here last week, you missed some big news and some big vision. The podcast is online and you need to listen to it. You need to listen to the vision that God has given us. You need to hear the passion and intensity of our staff.

But now we’re back to our Love story series. And this is a big week. Today, we’re turning up the heat. This series is covering everything. We’ve talked about singleness. We’ve talked about dating and engagement. Now, we’re going to talk about marriage for the next two weeks. And today is the hot topic. We’re going to explore God’s plan for married sexuality. We’re talking about turning up the heat in the marriage bedroom. If you think that godly sexuality is not hot, then you have no idea what God’s plan really is. Let’s pray and then we’ll get into the Word of God for some straight and surprising truth about sex.

Hebrews 13 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4, NIV)

This verse unequivocally and unapologetically states that God created sex for marriage. He refers to sexual intimacy as “the marriage bed.” Not the dating bed. Not even the engagement bed. The marriage bed.

“But you don’t understand…we love each other.” Great. God didn’t create sex for love. He created sex for marriage. You aren’t making love. You are making marriage. That sounds weird…but it’s a much more Biblical approach to the issue.

We talked extensively about sexual pitfalls in a dating relationship a few weeks ago. You can check out the podcasts from the first two weeks of this series for more about that.

But today, we’re talking to all the married folks in the house. This verse from Hebrews is God’s key for unlocking a hot and holy sex life in your marriage.

This verse gives us two principles that are foundational to the sexual intimacy you have with your spouse…honor and purity.

I said that we’re pursuing a hot and holy sex life in our marriages. And I know what you might be thinking now. You look at this verse and you see honor and purity. Ok, that sounds holy. But it definitely doesn’t sound hot. I thought we were turning up the heat. What guy says to his wife, “Hey baby, what do you say we go upstairs and I’ll honor you? I’ll honor you all night long!” That sounds weird!

Hang with me. Don’t check out on this. As with anything else in life, God’s way is the best way. That’s even true for sexuality. Our world thinks they have mastered this issue, when in reality, our world has twisted it, corrupted it, and destroyed it. But God can still redeem it. God doesn’t just want to redeem your soul for eternity. He wants to redeem your life now. Your whole life. Including your sex life. But He can only redeem our sex lives if we’re willing to apply His principles instead of listening to our culture.

Honor and purity are the keys. Let’s start with honor. God said that marriage should be honored by all. Let’s talk about that.

In Philippians 2, the Bible says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV)

Admittedly this is not a verse specifically written about sex. But the principles of this verse apply to every part of our lives. What if we applied the principle of this verse in the bedroom? Read the verse again, this time thinking through the lens of the sexual relationship in your marriage.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV)

It’s not about you. Marriage isn’t about you. I said earlier in this series that selfish people shouldn’t get married. Marriage isn’t about you. And the marriage bed certainly isn’t about you. It’s about serving your spouse. It’s about his needs or her needs. It’s about you sacrificing your desires for the desires of your spouse.

Men and women are different. And it’s not just differences in the plumbing. Men and women are fundamentally different by God’s design. And those differences show up in every conceivable way in the bedroom.

A women’s sex drive is like a finely tuned orchestra. A man’s sex drive is like a drum solo. Men are microwaves, women are crockpots. However you say it, the point is that God created us differently.

In the early ‘90s, John Gray wrote a bestselling book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The whole premise of the book is that we’ve forgotten that we’re supposed to be different. He wrote, “Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry and frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this simple truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that we are supposed to be different.”

The way that we honor our spouse is to recognize how he/she is different from us, and then go all out to meet them where they are. Instead of complaining about the differences, we embrace them. Those differences are opportunities to honor and serve our spouse.

Wives, you need to understand how your husband is wired. His sexual wiring is very different from yours. He was created by God to be visually stimulated. You know how long it takes a man to be ready for sex? 7 seconds! Sex is very much a physical act for a man. And sexual prowess and performance is central to how your husband feels about himself.

For most women, this sounds completely foreign to them. And that’s the point. Ladies, knowing your how your husband views sex gives you a prime opportunity to serve him. To put his needs and desires ahead of your own.

Your husband is a visual creature. Now, the Bible tells us that godly women dress modestly. There is one exception to that: when the kids are asleep and you’re alone in your bedroom with your husband. Speaking for all husbands here today, ladies, this is when you throw modesty out the window.

You want to give your husband a gift? Don’t always come to bed in those old flannel pajamas that he couldn’t see through if he had X-ray vision. Leave the lights on. And come to bed wearing something that will give your husband a wow moment.

Some people will have a problem with talking about this stuff in a sermon. Those people have a warped and incomplete view of the Word of God and of God’s plan for marriage.

In 1 Corinthians 7, the Bible says, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4, ESV)

Ladies, your husband has authority over your body. Once you get married, your body belongs to him. And he wants to visually inspect what he owns! That means that lingerie can be a godly investment. It is you serving your husband, putting the needs of your husband ahead of your own. In doing so, you honor him.

Wives, when you’re in bed with your husband, he is looking for you to respond to him. Use his senses. Your husband is moved by what he hears, sees, and feels during sex. He is looking for you to be creative, to lose your inhibitions and be free. For some of you, it might feel awkward or forced or even a little embarrassing. But you honor him when you put his needs ahead of your own.

Some women go to the polar opposite extreme. Instead of seeing sex as an opportunity to serve their husband, they use it as a bargaining chip in their marriage. Ladies, withholding sex as leverage to win an argument doesn’t honor your husband. And it directly contradicts the command of Scripture. A godly woman just doesn’t do that.

In fact, the next verse in 1 Corinthians 7 says, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5, ESV)

Do not deprive each other unless you and your spouse agreed to do so. And even then, it’s only for a short time. Ladies, you have no right to withhold from your husband what is rightfully his: your body. That is not a godly thing to do. In fact, it is living in direct contradiction to the Word of God. You are not called to withhold from your husband. You are called to serve and honor him.

A godly woman honors the man that she married in all ways, even in the bedroom. She recognizes that he has needs and desires that are different from hers, and she goes out of her way to serve him by meeting those needs and desires.

Now, guys, the very same Biblical principle applies to us. You don’t have authority over your body. Your wife does. And that means that you take all your sexual cues from her.

Let’s read it again, guys. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV)

We are called to honor our wives. To sacrifice for our wives. To serve our wives. That applies in every area of our marriage, including the bedroom.

Sex is largely a physical act for us, guys. We’re dudes and that’s just how we see it. But for our wives, it is much more about an emotional connection. You are visually stimulated, but your wife is romantically stimulated.

Here’s what that means…neglecting your wife’s needs all day and then expecting her to “open for business” at night is ridiculous. In fact, it is sinful because it doesn’t honor her.

For a woman to feel sexually attracted to her husband, she has to feel connected to him the other 23 ½ hours of the day. And guys, a lot of us are failing miserably in that connection. We give the best of ourselves to our job or to our team or to our friends. Then our wife and kids get what’s left…and what’s left is often a cranky, out-of-sorts, exhausted grouch.

If that’s the husband you are in the living room, don’t expect your wife to heat up your bedroom. You haven’t given her the fuel she needs for her fire.

James Dobson wrote, “Love is linked to self-esteem in women. For a man, romantic experiences with his wife are warm and enjoyable and memorable—but not necessary. For a woman, they are her lifeblood. Her confidence, her sexual response and her zest for living are often directly related to those tender moments when she feels deeply loved and appreciated by her man.” (Love for a Lifetime, James Dobson, p. 44)

That’s spot on, isn’t it ladies? Guys, we’d better get this right. When is the last time that you gave your wife a card for no reason? Took out the trash without being asked? Took the kids off her hands and gave her some time to herself?

I did this for Nicki not too long ago. I took the boys out of the house and gave her specific instructions. Do whatever you want to do, as long as it isn’t housework or anything like that. She looked puzzled and said, “Well, what am I going to do? Just sit and watch TV?” And I said, “Absolutely. If that’s what you want to do, do it. We’re outta here.”

I took the boys out and my wife picked up some Chinese food and a chick flick at the Red Box and thoroughly enjoyed the fact that the men of the house were gone. When I returned, I returned to a very relaxed and happy wife.

Guys, the sexiest thing you can do for your wife is to serve her. Constantly watch for ways you can serve her. What you do for her outside of the bedroom will revolutionize your relationship inside the bedroom.

Guys, look at these verses from Philippians one more time. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Consider your wife better than yourself. Be on the lookout for her needs.”

Is that what your marriage looks like, gentlemen? Is that an accurate picture of how you treat your wife in the kitchen? In the living room? And yes, in the bedroom?

Here’s the bottom line. If you want a great sex life, you will forget about your desires and focus on meeting the desires of your spouse. That sounds counter-intuitive, but that’s the way things work in God’s kingdom. God turns human logic upside down. And that is definitely true in our marriage relationship. To get the most, you have to give the most. If both people will commit to abandon their own desires in favor of their spouse’s desires, the temperature is going to go up.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not going to just magically happen. Like anything else in marriage, it will take work and communication. Some experts suggest that 90 percent of sexual problems can be resolved by frank conversation. It might be uncomfortable, but if there are sexual problems in your marriage, you have to talk about it. You have to face it. Love and grace and forgiveness have to be mutually offered and accepted. But if you will both be patient and commit to putting each other first, things will turn around. You can have the hot and holy sex life that God had in mind when He created marriage.

Now, let’s go back to our focus text. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4, NIV)

We’ve talked about honor. Honoring each other by serving each other and putting the needs of your spouse ahead of your own.

Now let’s talk about the second principle to turn up the heat in the marriage bed…purity. If you want a hot and holy sex life, you will live a life of purity.

Obviously the marriage bed is to be kept pure by a faithful monogamous lifestyle. You don’t have sex with anyone but your spouse. I heard one speaker put it this way. “‘I do’ means ‘I do you, you do me, and we don’t do anybody else.’”

Almost everyone in this room has been affected by adultery on some level. Maybe you committed adultery. Maybe your spouse cheated on you. Maybe you had a family member or a friend who committed adultery. Most all of us have seen the havoc caused by infidelity.

But we need to understand that this isn’t the total meaning of Biblical purity. If you haven’t committed adultery, don’t automatically assume that you are living a pure lifestyle.

Ephesians 5 sets the standard for us. “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.” (Ephesians 5:3, NIV)

Not even a hint of sexual immorality or impurity. It doesn’t just say, “Don’t commit adultery.” It says that there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality or impurity. Not even a hint. That’s a high standard, but that’s the benchmark for purity.

Listen…there is no excuse…absolutely no excuse…for flirting with someone who isn’t your husband or wife. I don’t care how “innocent” you think it is. God commanded that we avoid even a hint of sexual immorality. Flirting is a hint. You can make all the excuses and justifications that you want. It’s a hint…and you’ve got to cut it out like it’s cancer. Be swift. Be decisive. And then take radical steps to make sure it never happens again.

Don’t give me this garbage of, “Oh, it’s all innocent. I can handle it. I know what I’m doing.” Randy Elrod said it best. He said, “If you think you can’t fall into sexual sin, you must be godlier than David, stronger than Samson, and wiser than Solomon.”

Here’s the truth…you’re not. You’re not. And you’re not. That’s why the Bible’s standard for us is not even a hint. Not even a hint of sexual immorality.

That means you are constantly watching your relationships and you are constantly guarding your eyes. Obviously that has huge implications regarding pornography, but it goes so much deeper than that.

Guys, how many of you have felt your eyes wander to another woman? It’s a tough fight, isn’t it? But that’s exactly what it is. It’s a fight.

The trend today is stop fighting it and just say, “Oh well. Boys will be boys.”

The guys who think that…that’s exactly what they are. Boys. Men will guard their eyes. They’ll fight it with everything they’ve got. They’ll pray for God’s Spirit to give them supernatural power in this fight. They’re that serious about it.

But I’m not naive enough to believe that lust of the eyes is just a guy issue. What was one of the biggest comments about the New Moon movie a few months ago? Taylor Lautner took his shirt off! Those are the comments that lit up the Facebook and Twitter world. That’s lust. Sorry ladies, but God’s Word says, “not even a hint of sexual immorality or impurity.” That’s a hint. And it’s totally out of place in the life of a godly woman.

Not even a hint. This means that we not only guard our sight, but we guard our touch. The standard is, “not even a hint of sexual immorality or impurity.” That means that we’d better be very careful about how and when we touch people of the opposite sex. Touch can be easily misconstrued by the other person.

I knew a woman who always used to hug me. Every time she saw me, she hugged me. And it wasn’t a side hug. It was a full frontal hug that always lasted way too long. It got to the point where I hated to see her coming. It made me extremely uncomfortable. I’m convinced that she didn’t have anything impure in mind. She just had no clue about personal space. She never thought about how it made me feel or how it might appear to other people. I never said anything to her, but I’ll tell you this. That won’t happen again.

Touch communicates so much…sometimes even more than we ever intended. But it all comes back to the “not even a hint” principle.

God has called us to an incredibly high standard of purity. But when we live up to His standard, here’s what it does. It heats up our marriage like a snuggie on steroids.

Here’s why…you know that you are the only person in the world that your spouse sees. You’re the only person that you’re spouse shares romance with. You’re the only person that your spouse touches. You’re the only person that you’re spouse speaks to so intimately. You are it. It’s a role that only you can play.

That makes you feel incredibly significant. It makes you feel pretty hot if your spouse is willing to give up everyone else for you. If your spouse sees so much in you that he/she is willing to focus everything on you alone, you must be something very special. And that will lead to a sexual relationship that is very special.

Honor and purity. Those two godly principles will unlock everything that God desires for you in the marriage bed. Don’t settle for less than His best. It takes hard work, commitment, dedication, and a lot of prayer to make this happen…but it can happen. And I’ll tell you something…the payoff is worth it. When you experience God’s best, you won’t want to settle for anything less.

PRAY God gives us His best. He gives us His best in our marriages. He gives us His best through His church. He gives us His best in His Son. The tragic thing is that so many of us are willing to settle for less than God’s best. And that always leads to heartache and pain.

But through His very best gift, God offers us a second chance. Jesus was the very best that God could give. And He loved us enough to give us this very best gift. Jesus, God in the flesh, died on a cross to pay the price for my sin and for yours. And He rose from the dead to seal our victory over sin and death and hell.

He desperately wants to forgive you. He loves you like crazy. Your sin doesn’t scare him. If today was painful because of the sexual sin in your past or even in your present, Jesus can handle it. The cross is big enough to forgive you and give you a second chance at living a life of honor and purity. No life is too far gone for Jesus.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: honor, Love Story, marriage, purity, relationships, sex