Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

This is the last week of our Love Story series. We have been listening to God teach us about our relationships. We’ve been through it all. We’ve talked about singleness, dating, engagement, and then last week we started talking about marriage. We talked about married sexuality. We had some fun last week!

Now today, we’re wrapping up this series by seeking God’s truth about marriage for the long haul.

Let’s pray and then we’ll get after it.

How do you make a marriage that can stand the test of time? How do you not just survive marriage, but thrive in your marriage? The obvious answer is…love. But even though this is the answer to the question, most of us don’t understand it.

Obviously our culture doesn’t get it, but a lot of us don’t, either. There is a gross misunderstanding of love in the church. There is a horrible misunderstanding of what it means to love in a lot of our marriages. If that wasn’t the case, then the divorce rate of Christians wouldn’t be identical to the divorce rate of non-Christians…but it is. We claim to worship a God of love. We claim to be people of love. But the truth is that a lot of us don’t get this love thing at all.

If you want your marriage to last for the long haul…if you are truly committed….you’re in it to win it…then you will understand and apply godly principles of love in your marriage.

So let’s dig in. First of all, let’s talk about what love is not. Let’s expose some serious misunderstandings a lot of us have about love. Paul Williams lists three things that love is not.

First of all, love is not falling in love. That’s make believe. That’s the theme of every romance book or chick flick that you’ve ever seen. It’s all about falling in love. But that’s fantasy. It’s make believe.

The truth is you can’t fall in love. I know that doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s true. You can’t fall in love. You can fall into infatuation. You can fall into adoration. And it’s easy to confuse those things with love. It feels like love. It seems like love. But it’s not love.

The truth is if you fall into love, you will fall out of love. That’s a common reason given for divorce, isn’t it? “What happened?” “We just fell out of love.” That’s because you can’t fall in love in the first place! You can fall into something that masquerades as love, but it’s not love. It’s not what you need to make your marriage last for the long haul. Love isn’t something you can fall in and out of. It isn’t that flippant. It’s something much deeper and stronger than that.

A second thing that love is not: Love is not needing someone. What’s the hot song from Lady Antebellum? I what? Need You Now. “It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone, and I need you now.”

That’s not love. That’s a disorder. It’s called passive personality dependency disorder.

Needing someone is not love. If you married someone because you need them, get ready to hear this word a lot in your marriage: suffocating. It is suffocating to be needed by someone all the time. Unless of course you like being needed by somebody else all the time. If that’s the case, there’s a word for you, too. It’s called “codependent.”

Love is not needing someone. That’s not a healthy relationship. It’s not a godly relationship.

If you believe that you are a half and you look to your spouse to make you whole, prepare for a serious dose of disappointment. The only one who can complete you is Jesus. You were created to need Him and to be completed by Him. Needing another person, looking to another person to complete you is setting your relationship up for huge failure because you’re looking to your spouse to do what only Jesus can do. And your spouse is not as good as Jesus. I don’t care how hot your wife is or how sweet your husband is…they aren’t as good as Jesus. They can’t take the place of Jesus in your life.

Last thing that love is not: Love is not a feeling. There are wonderful emotions and feelings that are connected with love, but those feelings alone are not love.

Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision. It is deciding to be faithfully committed to this person, regardless of how I feel at the time. If you’re married for life, which by the way is God’s design for marriage, then you are going to experience incredible highs and devastating lows. There will be times when you feel like loving your spouse. There will be times when you don’t feel like loving your spouse. But regardless of how you feel, your commitment doesn’t change. Because love is not a feeling.

These are three very common misconceptions and misunderstandings about love. None of these equate to love. If you base your marriage on any of these things, you’re in for a heap of trouble.

But if that’s what love is not, then what is love? The Bible tells us in explicit detail what love is.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, NIV)

We’ve already seen this Scripture earlier in this series, but I told you that we were coming back to it. There is too much good stuff here to only pass through it once. We’re going to spend the rest of our time breaking this bad boy down.

The first thing that God tells us in these verses is that love accepts imperfection. He said that love is patient & kind. In other words, love accepts imperfection.

We’ve talked in this series about having extremely high standards when you are dating and you are looking for “the one.” We should never dumb it down just so we can be with someone.

But when we are actually married, we need to change our perspective. Benjamin Franklin said, “The key to a healthy marriage is to keep your eyes wide open before you wed and half-closed thereafter." Benjamin Franklin

Pretty good advice. I’m not suggesting that you don’t have high expectations for your spouse, but so many of us don’t just have high expectations…we have completely unrealistic expectations.

We expect our spouse to heal the wounds of our childhood. We expect our spouse to make up for all of our inadequacies. We expect our spouse to read our mind. “I shouldn’t have to tell him what I want. He should just know.” “She should know me by now. Why do I have to tell her?”

You spouse isn’t a miracle healer and your spouse is not a mind-reader. Your spouse is a person. A flawed, imperfect, sinful person in need of God’s grace AND your grace.

Love is patient. The old King James word is long-suffering, which some of you really feel fits your marriage because you’ve been long suffering.

Love is patient. It is long-suffering. It will put up with a lot of junk. Love puts up with imperfections, faults, and flaws.

Love is kind. Love not only puts up with the junk, but love is able to see past the junk. Love is kind when kindness is not deserved.

A few weeks ago, my wife made a red velvet cake for Valentine’s Day. I dig red velvet cake, so I got one for Valentine’s Day. But for much of the week prior to Valentine’s Day, I was in a grumpy mood. Nothing in particular had gone wrong. I just was in a foul mood for no good reason. And I still got my red velvet cake.

I felt like a complete jerk, but my wife modeled this verse. Love is kind. I didn’t deserve a red velvet cake, but I got one anyway. That’s love, folks. That cake was much more than sugar and eggs and frosting. It was the patient and kind love of my wife.

The Bible goes on in 1 Corinthians 13. It tells us that love empties me of me.

The Bible tells us that love does not envy or boast, is not proud or rude. Is not self-seeking.

Love is not self-seeking. In fact, love is selfless. Love empties me of me. It is a total abandon of my wants, needs, and desires in favor of my spouse’s wants, needs, and desires.

We talked last week about how that truth can revolutionize a marriage in the bedroom. Some of you have fun applying this principle this week. You know it was good when people in our church start posting Marvin Gaye videos on Facebook! But now let’s take it further. This revolutionizes everything about your marriage.

My marriage is not about me. All the married people say that out loud with me. My marriage is not about me. Say it again. My marriage is not about me. Now, if your spouse is here with you, turn and say that while you’re looking in their eyes. My marriage is not about me.

Is that true for you, or do you feel really awkward because you know you just lied to your husband or your wife, because the truth is it is all about you? Your marriage is NOT about you.

Ladies, are you a high-maintenance drama queen who requires that your husband cater to your every little whim and fancy?

Men, are you a spoiled little boy? Do you view this lady as your wife or as your mama? She didn’t marry you to change your diapers, dude. Grow up.

Husbands and wives, your marriage isn’t about you. If you can grasp that one little truth, I promise it will have a revolutionary effect on your marriage because your marriage will become a reflection of Jesus.

Listen to what Jesus said about Himself in Mark 10. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45, NIV)

Look at the operative words in Jesus’ statement. Serve and give. Jesus came to serve. Jesus came to give.

If you want your marriage to thrive for the rest of your life, you’ll model Jesus in your marriage. You will serve and you will give. Selfishness isn’t part of the equation. Looking out for your best interests isn’t part of the equation.

If you are married, you are a servant and you are a giver. You are called to serve and give to your spouse.

Back to 1 Corinthians 13. As we work through this passage, the next thing we see is that love fights fair.

Verse 5 tells us that, “Love is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs.”

Some young couples are so enamored with each other that they think, “Oh, this is so wonderful. We love each other so much that we’ll never fight. It’s just going to be so beautiful all the time.”

If that’s you, then God bless your delusional heart. You have no flipping idea what you’re talking about! If you’re married for the long haul, you’re going to disagree. You’re going to argue. Let’s just say it…you’re going to fight!

These verses don’t say that there won’t be conflict in love. It actually says just the opposite. It doesn’t say that there will be no conflict. It actually just assumes that there will be. Conflict is part of a loving relationship.

There will be fights in marriage. But people who are in it to win it…people whose marriages last for the long haul….learn to fight fair.

We need to recognize that anger is a normal part of marriage. The Bible doesn’t say that someone who loves doesn’t get angry. It just says that they are not easily angered.

Your spouse will make you angry, but it shouldn’t happen too often or too easily. If you are always angry with your spouse, the problem could very well be you. You’re probably being petty. You’re turning molehills into mountains. Love is not EASILY angered.

But you will get angry from time to time. Maybe even boiling mad at times. The key for a lasting marriage is not to be too angry for too long.

When you do get angry with your spouse, keep your anger specific. When you’re angry with your spouse, it’s not fair to say “you always” or “you never.” That’s not fair in an honest fight in a marriage. No one “always” or “nevers.” That’s an overgeneralization that’s going to sound remarkably like a hissyfit.

Instead of throwing a tantrum, take some time to cool off. The best thing you can do is probably walk away. It’s amazing how even five minutes can totally change your perspective. Then, when you have a cool head, come back and talk very specifically about what made you angry.

And then, once the issue is resolved, let it go. Love keeps no record of wrongs. It throws out the score card. Bringing up the past is an ungodly, unhealthy, and unloving thing to do in marriage.

Once something is settled, it is settled. If you say that it’s settled, and then you bring it up again later, your spouse will feel two things…

1. They will feel hurt because you would dredge up the past like that. The only reason you excavate something out of the past is so you can hurt your spouse. If hurting your spouse is your motivation, you don’t need to ask yourself, “Should I do this or not?” If the goal is to hurt your husband or wife…I don’t care what they did…you are the one that is wrong and you need to stop.

2. The second thing your spouse will feel if you dredge up the past is distrust. They’ll feel like they can’t trust you because you’ve proved that you’re a liar. You said that something was settled, but you lied. That means that you can’t be trusted.

However hurtful it was, when something is over, it is over. Love forces you to let it go.

Colossians 3 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13, NIV)

Bear with each other, meaning that it’s not easy. There are times in marriage when you simply have to put up with your spouse. You don’t feel love in those moments. Shoot, in those moments, you might not even like them! You put up with them. You bear with them.

And you forgive them. You forgive WHATEVER grievances you have against them. Whatever grudge, whatever hurt you are holding onto, you are commanded to forgive it.

Why? Because you have been forgiven. The Bible says, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

“Well, I don’t know. That’s really hard.” You think it was easy for Jesus? It cost Him His life.

“That’s not fun.” You think Jesus enjoyed it?

“You don’t know how much I’ve been hurt. I don’t think I can ever forgive him/her.” Whatever your spouse has done to you, it pales in comparison to what you did to Jesus…and yet He has forgiven you.

Love is not about you. It’s about total self-abandon. You empty yourself of yourself. You give and serve, without holding back. You forgive early. You forgive often. You forgive completely. That’s love.

Now let’s go back and pull another truth from 1 Corinthians 13. Love is based in the will and Word of God.

Verse 6 tells us, “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

If your marriage isn’t helping you grow spiritually, then your marriage is not healthy. Love rejoices in the truth of God.

When is the last time that you read the Bible together as a couple? Husbands, this one falls on us. We are the spiritual leaders of our homes. Spiritual guidance and direction for our home comes from us. And most of us are dropping the ball miserably.

When is the last time you prayed together, as a couple?

We read this last week, but listen to it again. From 1 Corinthians 7: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5, ESV)

There is only one valid reason that the New Testament gives for a married couple abstaining from sex…prayer!

You don’t abstain from sex because you’re angry. You don’t abstain because you’re not in the mood. You abstain from coming together physically so you can come together spiritually. The only thing that trumps your physical union is your spiritual union.

Now, it’s only for a short time. So ladies, don’t think you can plan some month-long prayer meeting in your bedroom just because you’re not in the mood! That doesn’t work!

The point is that your relationship is built on the truth of God, so you are called to rejoice together in the truth of God. That means reading the Bible together. It means worshipping together. It means serving together. It means praying together.

Some of you have an unbelieving spouse, and this part of the message is incredibly tough for you because you know your spouse will never go for it. What do you do?

Instead of praying with them, you pray for them. Constantly. You rejoice in God’s truth for them, and you pray for the day when you can do it with them. God is in the mountain-moving business. Pray for him to do that with your spouse.

One more. One final truth from 1 Corinthians 13. Love supersedes circumstances.

The Bible tells us that love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. Love never fails.

Love protects. Bad times will come. Hard, tough, incredibly difficult times will come in marriage. In those times, love protects the person as much as possible.

Love trusts. We can’t trust our circumstances, but we can trust our spouse.

Love hopes for better times. In the dark seasons of marriage, love hedges its bet that better times are coming.

Most of all, love perseveres. It never fails. Marriage is a life commitment. Til death do you part. But there is something very interesting, and very tragic, that is happening now.

Divorce rates in our country, while they are still incredibly high, are actually not growing. That’s something to be thankful for. While the divorce rate is still unacceptably high, it’s not growing…except for one group of people.

Do you know the one group of people where the divorce rate is still going up? Empty nesters. People whose kids have grown and gone are getting divorced more and more everyday. They are the only group in our country where the divorce rate is still on the rise.

That surprised me at first, but then I thought about it. It’s so easy to make your whole life revolve around your kids. When they’re babies, they constantly scream for your attention. A baby is the most self-centered person you will ever meet. Feed me. Burp me. Change me. And do it NOW! When you have a baby, it’s so easy to see nothing else in your life.

Then when your kid starts school, life can revolve around their schedule. The school calendar becomes your family’s calendar. You’ve got this game on this day. And that project is due on this day. And this school party is over here on this day.

Then your kids become teenagers. And this completely dominates your life because you get eaten up with worry. They get their license, you worry that they’ll run over somebody. They start dating, and you worry about them keeping their clothes on. At every turn, it’s worry, worry, worry.

By the time these people grow up and get out of your house, it’s very easy to look at your spouse and say, “Now who are you again?”

All the married folks, listen up. The fastest-growing segment of our population that is getting divorced are empty nesters. While the kids were growing up, mom and dad were growing apart. Now the kids are gone, and so is the marriage.

The Bible says that love perseveres. Love never fails. That is a call to action. You need to take action to keep your marriage fresh and vibrant and alive.

The greatest thing you can do for your kids is to leave them for a weekend. Get away, just the two of you. Buy a bottle of wine, pack some lingerie, and go. Seriously, that is one of the best things you can do for your kids.

You know why? Because your kids are depending on your marriage. Things in their lives are crazy. They need to know that the one constant thing that they can count on is your marriage. It’s one thing in their life that is never in question.

You need to reinforce this with your kids. They need to see you being affectionate toward each other. Kiss and hug each other in front of them.

Our son, Ryan, thinks that Nicki and I kissing is the grossest thing he has ever seen. But that doesn’t stop us. He may think it’s gross, but he’ll never doubt that his mommy and daddy love each other. The word divorce isn’t even in his vocabulary…and it never will be as far as his mom and dad are concerned.

The stakes are incredibly high here. If you have drifted apart because you have kids, you’d better do something about it NOW! Start dating again. Do it often. Leave the kids with someone you trust, turn the cell phone off, and begin reconnecting with your spouse. Open those lines of communication again. Be romantic.

If you’ve drifted apart, it’s going to feel awkward at first. You might not feel it. If you don’t feel it, force it. Do it anyway. Feelings will eventually follow a decision of the will.

Love never fails. Feelings fail. Emotions fail. Unrealistic expectations fail. People fail. But love never fails, because love comes from God.

In fact, love doesn’t just come from God. Love is who He is.

The Bible tells us in 1 John, “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.” (1 John 4:7-9, NIV)

Our God is love. Love is at the core of His character and it is how He approaches every one of us. He approaches us through the death of His Son, the ultimate gift of sacrificial love. The only reason we know how to love at all is because our God is the very definition of love.

And it’s that love that calls us to repentance. It calls us to the cross. It calls us to grace. It calls us to live to please Jesus in our church and in our homes. And it’s that love that is calling you to make a decision for Jesus today. If He’s not your Savior and Lord, His love compels you to come.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: 1 Corinthians 13, love, Love Story, marriage, relationships