Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

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Welcome to week #2 of our Parenthood series. This series got off to a smoking start last week. If you weren’t here, you’ve got to listen the podcast. Go to our website, ameliachurchofchrist.com, and check out the message from last week.

Last week we talked about what to do with our own brokenness. So many parents are handing off their brokenness to their kids because they never deal with it. So we saddle our kids with our own junk because we won’t do the hard work and take the difficult steps to find healing. And it sets up a destructive cycle that can last for generations.

There was a lot of brokenness in this place last week. I had conversation after conversation with people who are hungry to find healing and hope so they don’t hand it off to their kids. God is doing an amazing work among our people. Absolutely amazing.

Now, let’s get on to the Word that God has for us today. Today we’re going to get into the nuts and bolts of parenthood. We’re going to start by talking about the “D” word.

It almost sounds like a cuss word today. It’s the “D-word.” It’s a word that makes us uncomfortable. It’s controversial. It’s politically incorrect.

The “D-word” is discipline. And that’s what we’re going to talk about in the second message of our Parenthood series.

We’re going to tread on some touchy territory today. But the Word of God is so clear on this stuff that we can’t skirt these issues. We can’t softball it. We can’t try to redefine it.

In John 8, Jesus said, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32, NIV) I know that not everyone is going to like this message. It is controversial. It’s going to get tense in here today. But I’m going to preach the truth today because, if you hear the truth and then apply it in your life and in your parenting, it will set you and your kids free.

The first thing a parent has to understand about discipline is that God, who is the perfect Father, disciplines us.

Listen to what the Bible says in Hebrews 12. “My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:5b-11, NIV)

God disciplines those He loves. The popular view today is that discipline and love are at odds with each other. You don’t have to look any further than God Himself to see that this kind of thinking is nonsense. God is the very embodiment of love. We are the object of His love, and that is the very reason why He disciplines us.

And, when we become parents, God has called us to follow His example and discipline the objects of our love: our own children.

The Bible doesn’t mince words here. Go back and look at verse 8 in Hebrews 12. “If you are not disciplined…then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.” (Hebrews 12:8, NIV)

Or, if that doesn’t quite do it for you, let me roll out a little King James Version for you. “But if ye be without chastisement…then are ye bastards, and not sons.” (Hebrews 12:8, KJV)

Hard to miss the meaning there. If you don’t lovingly discipline your kids, you are telling them that they are illegitimate children. If you don’t discipline your child, it is the same as looking your kid in the eye and saying, “You bastard.”

I would hope that there isn’t a parent in this room who would say that to their kids. But according to God’s Word, when we withhold discipline from them, that is exactly what we are saying.

“Well, I don’t like that. You shouldn’t talk that way. You’re a preacher.” I didn’t say it! God said it! It’s in the Bible. That’s how strongly He feels about this. Told you it was going to get tense today.

When we don’t discipline our kids, we are living in contradiction to the will and the Word of God.

So, if that’s the case, we’d better have a really good idea about what discipline is and is not.

Let’s talk about a few things that discipline is not.

1. First of all, discipline is not anger.

“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21, NIV)

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20, NIV)

2. Discipline is not inconsistent.

“The commander came up and arrested [Paul] and ordered him to be bound with two chains. Then he asked who he was and what he had done. Some in the crowd shouted one thing and some another, and since the commander could not get at the truth because of the uproar, he ordered that Paul be taken into the barracks.” (Acts 21:33-34, NIV)

The commander who arrested Paul could not get at the truth because he was hearing one thing, then he was hearing something else. The end result was confusion and chaos.

That’s what the life of your kid is going to feel like if they receive inconsistent messages through your discipline.

If your discipline changes based on your mood or the time of day or any other factor, it’s going to leave your child in limbo.

Remember the principle of inertia. An object in motion tends to stay in motion. An object at rest tends to stay at rest. Inertia has a great influence on the effectiveness of your discipline. If it’s always an on-again, off-again thing, it’s going to be hard to get it moving. But if it’s consistent, it will be easier to keep it moving and it will be far more effective.

3. Discipline is not petty.

There are two extremes that we have to avoid as parents. One is to have no firmly set rules. The other is to have so many petty regulations that we set our children up to fail.

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, NIV)

One of the surest ways to exasperate your children is to have too many petty rules.

A parent who sets and enforces no rules for their child is lazy. That’s pretty easy to see. But, on the flip side, the parent who doubles as a drill sergeant, who has a never-ending list of rules and regulations, is lazy, too. That parent is lazy because they won’t take the time and effort to prayerfully prioritize.

As a parent, you have to prioritize what really matters. What are the important things? What mountains are you willing to die on and what are some areas where your kids can have some freedom?

If we have no enforceable rules, then the end result is that our kids will become spoiled brats. Some people in this room are raising spoiled brats. That’s not an indictment of your kid. It is an indictment of your parenting, and you’d better make some changes really quickly.

But on the flip side, if we are too heavy-handed…if everything our kid does breaks a rule…if we yell and scream at the drop of a hat…if our kids are always walking on eggshells around us…we won’t raise a spoiled brat. We’ll raise a child with a crushed spirit.

You really want to do that mom? Dad?

4. Discipline is not open-ended (once it’s over, it’s over)

Jesus said in Mark 11, “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.” (Mark 11:25, NLT)

Why would we think that this would apply to everyone but our kids? I don’t see anything in that verse that says that your kids are the exception to the rule.

Colossians 3 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13, NIV)

Forgiveness has to be a hallmark of our parenting. Nicki told me not long ago that I had held a grudge against one of our boys all morning. That drilled me, because that is not a godly thing to do.

Holding a grudge against your spouse is not a godly thing to do. It is not a God-honoring thing to hold grudges against the person that you’re married to. Why would your kids be any different?

Holding a grudge against kids isn’t a godly thing to do, either. This doesn’t mean that we don’t discipline, but it does mean that our discipline isn’t open-ended.

When your child does something wrong, the discipline you offer has to have an expiration date. Now, the length of the discipline should be directly proportionate to the severity of the offense. But once the time of discipline is over, it is over. The next phase is forgiveness.

After a discipline event, the next step must be forgiveness. Your kids should know that an apology is expected. A prayerful apology to God for dishonoring or disobeying their parents. And an apology to you as their mom or dad.

And then, you must voice words of forgiveness. It’s not enough to think it or feel it. You actually have to say it. Let them know that you have forgiven them and you are moving on. It’s over. That can’t just be words. It has to have some teeth behind it. If you say it’s over, then you have to live like it is over.

And you know what that will do? It will give your kids a tangible view of what the grace of God is like. When God forgives us, it really is over. It is unmerited. It is completely undeserved. Once grace takes control, it’s over. No more grudges. No more guilt. Our parenting should be a direct reflection of that kind of grace.

Those are a few things that discipline is not. Discipline is not anger. It is not inconsistent or petty. And it’s not open-ended.

Now let’s explore a few things that are hallmarks of what discipline actually is.

1. Discipline is tailored.

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6, NIV)

That is the most popular, most well-known parenting verse in the Bible. Honestly, there’s not a close second. A lot of parents have this verse memorized, but let me show you something that you may have never seen before.

Look at the language in this verse. Train a child in THE way that HE should go…

Think about how specific that is. Train a child in THE way. Not A way. THE way. Train a child in THE way that HE should go.

Meaning that your teaching and training and discipline are tailored for your specific child. You are not training them in a way that all children should go. You are training and teaching and disciplining your child in the specific way that he or she should go.

If you have multiple children, you will have to imply multiple disciplinary tactics. What works for one child is not going to be as effective for another child.

Just like one size doesn’t fit all in kids clothes, so one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to discipline. Learn what is most effective for your specific children, and then tailor the discipline to meet their specific needs.

“Well, that sure sounds like a lot of work.” Yep. It’s called parenthood. And if you’re not willing to do this kind of hard work, you don’t even deserve the title of a parent. You are a person who has offspring, but you’re not a parent. You’re definitely not a mom or a dad.

2. Discipline is specific.

When you are disciplining your child for something they did wrong, make sure you stay focused on that offense. You can’t use this opportunity to conjure up everything your child has ever done wrong. Remember what we said earlier: when it’s over, it’s over.

Your child made a bad choice. The discipline has to stay focused on that specific choice.

This is why it’s so important to not discipline in the heat of anger, like we said earlier. Dad, it’s not your kid’s fault that you had a lousy day at work. Mom, it’s not your eight-year-olds fault that your two-year-old had a meltdown in the middle of Wal-Mart. Don’t take it out on them.

You can’t transfer those types of things onto your kids. That is unjust and unfair, and it completely waters down your discipline. For your discipline to be effective, it has to stay incredibly specific.

3. Discipline is unified. Mom and Dad…you MUST be unified on discipline.

Here’s how the Bible sets up the order for the home on this issue. Dad, you are the primary disciplinarian. The main thrust of this responsibility is on you. When the Bible talks about discipline, it most often refers to the father.

Dad, you are primarily responsible for the discipline in the house. That’s how God set it up. It’s part of being a man of God instead of some limp noodle pushover that we see so often today.

But, while the Bible refers to the father the most for parental discipline, that doesn’t mean that mom is completely excluded. Not at all.

Listen to this from Deuteronomy 21. “If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town.” (Deuteronomy 21:18-19, NIV)

Do you see how this passage portrays discipline as a unified team effort? It talks about a son who will not “obey his father AND mother and will not listen to THEM when THEY discipline him.”

There is a unity there. And that has to be the hallmark of discipline in our homes: unity.

It doesn’t mean that mom and dad will always agree on discipline. But you never, ever disagree about it in front of the kids. Mom, you never undercut the authority of your husband in front of the kids. Dad, you never disrespect your wife in front of the kids.

If you have a disagreement, work it out behind closed doors. The worst thing you could do is to give your children the idea that there is division in the house. That they can somehow pit you two against each other. That, in some way, you are not united in how discipline will be handled. If your kids perceive that this is how things are, everything is going to come unraveled real fast.

4. Discipline is lived out.

In 1 Corinthians 11, the Apostle Paul said, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1, NIV)

Take that principle and apply it to your parenting. Do your kids hear you saying one thing, but see you doing something else. That old adage of “Do as I say, not as I do” is a pile of garbage.

The end result of discipline is to teach your kids to live a more Christlike life. The purpose of godly discipline is not to raise nice boys and girls. Jesus didn’t die to make us polite and unassuming and nice. He died to turn us into totally new creations.

Ultimately, the end result of godly discipline is to teach your kids to live more like Jesus. But practically speaking, that can only happen when they see you leading the way.

One of the principles that I’ve learned leading a church is that leaders go first. If we ask people to sacrifice, leaders go first. If we ask people to step out in faith, leaders go first. Whatever we ask our people to do, the leaders must go first.

Same deal in parenting. Parents are the leaders, and leaders go first. You can’t lead your child to a place that you’ve never been. If you’re not living it out for your kids to see, you can expect your discipline to go nowhere fast.

Those are some things that the Bible tells us that discipline is and is not. But I want to get into a few more specifics that the Bible is really clear about. One of them is about a specific form of discipline that is frowned upon more and more everyday…spanking.

Even the mention of the word creates tension. Corporal punishment is very controversial today, but the Bible speaks very clearly and very directly to the issue. And, if we are truly people of the Bible, then we’ll take our cues from God’s Word and not from the cultural climate.

Here’s what the Bible says in Proverbs 13. “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24, NIV)

The rod is a Biblical reference to corporal punishment or spanking. And the Bible says that he who refuses to spank his child hates his child.

How’s that for blunt? The Bible doesn’t tiptoe around this sensitive issue. Instead, God’s Word comes in like a bull in a china shop.

We saw earlier that the Bible tells us that God disciplines those He loves. If He didn’t love us, He wouldn’t care enough to correct us. To discipline us to get us back on the right track.

Same deal here. If we refuse to discipline, we are not communicating love. And the Bible’s primary reference to parental discipline is spanking.

Now, read this verse again. I want to point out something very important here.

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him IS CAREFUL to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24, NIV)

When a parent disciplines their child, it is done carefully. That’s really important to remember in the arena of spanking. It is not done in anger. It is not done in the heat of the moment. It is done carefully.

We’re not talking about crossing the line from discipline into abuse. That’s a completely different story. God will never, ever endorse child abuse. That’s why He commands that discipline be dished out with great care.

You’ve got to know where the line is. If you have anger issues or violent tendencies, then you need to get yourself some help. Talk to me and let’s get you hooked up with a great counselor. But don’t you dare spank your kid if there’s even a chance that you can’t control yourself.

But for most of us, if we follow the godly wisdom of waiting until our anger subsides, we can give our kids a firm, memorable, God-honoring butt whipping.

Can you say politically incorrect? Can you say Biblically correct? Given the choice of being politically correct or Biblically correct, I’ll take Biblically correct every single time.

Now, check this out. I love this. The Bible says in Proverbs 23, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” (Proverbs 23:13-14, NIV)

The whole anti-discipline, anti-spanking thing is not new. It existed in Biblical times. That’s why the Bible shows a little sarcastic edge here.

If you discipline your little Darling, little Darling will not die. Spanking your little Angel will not kill your little Angel.

I heard a woman on the radio this week saying that we should never raise our voice to our kids. And we should, under no circumstances, spank our kids. And she was an “expert.”

It doesn’t matter what any self-appointed “expert” says. What matters is what the Bible says. And God goes so far as to use some sarcasm here. To even make fun of some people. God has a cutting wit at times. If you don’t know that, then there’s a lot of Bible that you don’t know.

But it’s all done with a purpose. God uses this sarcasm to drill the point home. If we don’t offer firm and consistent discipline, we open our kids up to something far worse…we put their souls in danger of death.

I can’t ever read these verses without remembering “the one spanking.” One day when I was a kid, I was riding my bike on our driveway. I got closer and closer to the road, but I never stopped. Never even looked. I rode my bike right out into the road…and right in front of a dump truck.

He blew his horn and I quickly laid my bike down in a ditch. Then I looked up and there was my dad standing on the porch. He had seen the whole thing. It obviously scared him to death. But he didn’t yell or scream.

He just walked out to where I was, picked me up out of the ditch, and started spanking me all the way back to the house. It was step, swat. Step, swat. Step, swat.

But it was great discipline, because I never did that again.

When it comes to our kids, their lives…even their eternal lives…hang in the balance. That’s not overstating it. That’s not being melodramatic. That’s a fact. Firm, consistent parental discipline is absolutely essential to keep your kids from wrecking their lives, and maybe even their eternities, later on. If you see the dump truck coming, discipline your kids so they see it, too.

If it’s that important, then we’d better think about how we do it. I read about a grandpa who gave his daughter some very wise advice about how she was disciplining her little boy. She was trying to get stuff done in the kitchen and her little boy wouldn’t get out from under her feet. Parents, you’ve been there.

So, she finally gave him a swat on his behind. He went away, but a few minutes later, he came back and did the same thing. Another swat. Away he went. But before long, he was back again.

This went on for a little while until grandpa finally spoke up. He told his daughter, “Honey, spanking is an event. You’re just abusing that child.”

His daughter immediately got it. The next time her little boy came in and was disobedient, she took him by the hand, went up to his room, closed the door, and delivered a firm, memorable, God-honoring butt whipping. And that was the end of it.

Parents, when the time comes for spanking, make it a memorable event. Don’t just give a passing swat. Take your child off to a room where you two are alone and create a memory.

But here’s the great thing about this…if you employ this strategy, you’ll eventually find that less spankings are needed because your kids will have an unpleasant memory to fall back on.

But now, what about the commands we saw earlier about “do not embitter your children” or “do not exasperate your children?”

Listen to what Larry Christenson wrote in his book The Christian Family. “Many parents make the mistake of failing to carry through with a really hard spanking. We think of the scriptural admonition, “Do not provoke your children to anger,” and we hold back. But what is it that provokes a child to anger? It is discipline which merely irritates, a nagging, indecisive, half-hearted discipline. If you spank your child only enough to make him angry and rebellious, you have not carried out thorough, scriptural discipline. The spanking must go beyond the point of anger. It must evoke a wholesome fear in the child.” (page 107)

“But, wait a minute… I don’t want my child to fear me.” If you want to be a godly parent, then yes, you absolutely do.

Here’s what most people don’t understand…fear and love need to coexist in the parent/child relationship. Remember, God is the perfect Father, the model for all of us as parents. And we are commanded to love Him and fear Him.

Psalm 147 paints the picture for us. “The LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.” (Psalm 147:11, NIV)

Love and fear are a package deal. We love God with everything in us. But we also fear Him because of his awesome power and might. It’s not a contradiction.

Our love for God keeps us connected to Him. Our fear of God keeps us from straying from His commands.

Same deal in our parenting. When we love our kids, they will love us and feel connected with us. When we discipline our kids, we instill a fear in them that will keep them from straying away from the godly principles that we’re teaching them.

You want your kids to love you. I know you do. But if you really love them, you also want them to fear you. It is that complete package that will help them grow into godly adults.

“But I want to be my child’s friend.” You have the rest of your life to be their friend. When your child grows up, you’ve got 20, 30, 40 years to be their friend. But when they’re young, they don’t need you to be their friend. They need you to be their parent.

Will they hate you at times? Perhaps. Will they think you are totally unfair? Absolutely.

Every child with godly parents will think their restrictions and rules are unreasonable. Here’s what you have to remember. Your child’s desire for freedom always runs ahead of their capacity for freedom.

They will always believe that they are ready for more freedom than they can actually handle. That’s why you’ve got to get out of the parental popularity contest.

Your kids have friends who think their parents are the coolest because they let their kids get away with murder. That’s fine. Let them have the cool parent award now, because later on they’re going to win the “my child acts like a hellion because I was a wuss and just wanted to be liked” award.

Ultimately, it comes down to loving your child like God loves you. That’s what parental discipline is all about. God loves you enough to correct you. He loves you, so He disciplines you. But He also is always willing to give you another chance. His grace is overflowing to you.

And that’s how discipline has to work in our families. When your child messes up, the discipline is strong and it is swift. But then it’s over. Forgiveness is offered. Grace is displayed. That’s what godly parenting looks like.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: discipline, Parenthood, parenting,