Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

Welcome to week #2 of our Song of Solomon series. This book is a compilation of love songs between a husband and wife. Some are sweet. Some are sensual. Some are red hot.

Last week, we set the stage for sexual intimacy. The phrase, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” is found three times in the Song of Solomon.

There are many times when we are not called to move forward on our sexual desires, and we talked about that last week. If you are not married…one man, one woman, for life…then you don’t have the green light.

But this week, the light changes. It’s green and it’s go time. This week we are really going to get into the book. Last week was a lot of set up, but we’re ready to roll this week.

We’re going to turn up the intensity today. And we’ll turn it up even further next week. But all I am doing is preaching the Bible. I’m only going where the text takes us. And this text can be graphic, but it is never pornographic. And that’s the line that we will walk.

But even so, I know that someone will be offended over the next few weeks. And that’s sad, because what is offending you is Scripture. When the Bible offends us, it’s time to stop and really take stock of things. Because the Bible is inspired of God. It is His Word and it is without error. And God is not offended by His Word. We shouldn’t be, either.

This series is straight Scripture. It is surprising Scripture, but it is still straight Scripture.

And here’s the other thing. When someone asks, “Why would you preach a series like this?” I would answer, “Because marriage matters.”

This series is all about strengthening your marriage. Turning your marriage into the godly relationship that it should be. This series isn’t just about being a better lover. It’s about being a better husband or wife. That, in turn, will make you a better mother and father. It will make you a better grandma and grandpa. The strength of your marriage has repercussions throughout your family. And strong families are the backbone of society. The government is not the backbone of our society. The family is. And that’s what we’re working to build. Strong, God-honoring families.

I can tell you without a doubt that this series has made me a better husband. See, for you, this series is just getting started. But in my study and preparation, I’ve been immersed in the Song of Solomon for a long time leading up to this series. And it has absolutely made me a better husband. I could tell you specific things that I am doing better now than before. My wife would absolutely agree with me. Ask her if you want. I am that confident that I am a better husband today than before I started studying for this series.

And that’s my prayer for you. That God will use this series to make you into the godly husband or wife that He has called you to be.

With that said, let’s go. This week, we’re talking specifically to the men. But ladies, don’t you worry…you’re up next week. We’re going to get into the Word right after we pray.

Alright guys, I’m going to give you the entire sermon right up front. If you can live out this principle, it will heat things up dramatically in the marriage bedroom. More importantly, it will revolutionize your entire marriage relationship. Here it is.

Godly husbands are verbally generous.

Fellas, let me give you a paradigm-shifting truth…your wife craves your words more than your body. That’s just the truth. Your words carry incredible emotional power for your wife, either for good or for bad. The keys to unlocking your wife’s heart and mind and, by extension, her body…the keys are your words.

We looked at this verse last week. In chapter 4, Solomon tells his wife, “You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;” (Song of Solomon 4:12a, NIV)

A little later, his wife says, “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song of Solomon 4:16b, NIV)

The picture is consistent throughout the book. Solomon’s wife is his garden. And she is his garden alone. No one else’s. Like we said last week, she is a private garden. Not a public park.

If she is his garden, that makes Solomon the gardener. That’s not a degrading or demeaning picture of women. It’s a beautiful picture of the husband’s role in marital intimacy.

Husbands, you are the gardener. Your wife is your garden. That means that it is your job to tend to her. To provide the lifegiving water and sunshine that she needs to grow and blossom. To be gentle and patient with her.

Any successful gardener will tell you that the key is patience. No gardener ever walks out to his garden and yells at his plants. “Come on, you freakin’ tomato plant! Grow already! What are you waiting on?”

That’s not going to make things grow any faster. And it will really weird out the neighbors. Guys, if you want to be the gardener that God has charged you to be, then you will patiently and gently tend your garden, giving her everything she needs to blossom.

And one of the things that she desperately needs is for you to be verbally generous. She needs your verbal encouragement everywhere in your marriage, but nowhere is that needed more than in the bedroom.

Guys, your wife is completely unsatisfied with her body. She just is. I can say that with absolute certainty. Your wife is not satisfied with her body.

And who could blame her for feeling like this? She is bombarded everyday with images of women on billboards and magazine covers…and she doesn’t look like them. The newest edition of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue just came out this week. Guys, if you subscribe to SI, you need to take the swimsuit issue straight from the mailbox to the trash can. It is a devastating thing for your wife because she doesn’t look like that.

And it’s especially unfair today, because many of these pictures have been altered and changed with a computer program…to the point where the model who posed for the picture doesn’t even look like the final product.

It’s a sign of the kind of depraved, twisted culture that we live in. Beautiful women are not beautiful enough…so we have to use a computer to make them beautiful. The lesson there is that our culture believes that no living, breathing, real woman can truly satisfy a man’s desires. A man can only be satisfied with a fantasy woman. That’s what our culture believes.

That’s what your wife fights against everyday, guys. And so, when she looks in the mirror, she is devastated. Because she doesn’t look like the 18-year-old, anorexic, Photoshopped girl on the magazine cover.

That is the cultural standard of beauty today…and your wife doesn’t measure up to that.

Here’s the thing, though. That’s nothing new. Listen to what Solomon’s wife said in chapter 1.

“Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I had to neglect.” (Song of Solomon 1:6, NIV)

This young woman told Solomon, “Don’t look at me. I don’t fit the cultural standard of beauty.”

In this time period, tanned skin was considered unattractive. It’s completely opposite today. Cultural standards of beauty change over time.

In this time period, if you were fair-skinned, it meant that you were altogether feminine. You didn’t work outdoors, where the sun would tan your skin.

If you were tan, that meant that you were a blue collar working girl. In fact, it meant that you were more masculine than feminine. If a woman had tanned skin, she was considered to be much more like a man than a woman. It was considered highly unattractive in that culture.

So Solomon’s young bride says, “Don’t even look at me. I’m tan. I don’t measure up to the cultural standard of beauty. Just look away.”

She hated her body. She was completely unsatisfied with her body image.

Now, here’s what it gets so good. Look at how Solomon responds.

“How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!” (Song of Solomon 1:15, NIV)

She was totally unsatisfied with her body image, to the point where she didn’t even want Solomon to see her. She is the wife that showers with the bathroom door locked. She changes clothes in the closet. When she does have sex, it will always and only be with the lights off. She doesn’t want to be seen. Some of you ladies can relate to that.

And her man immediately responds, “You are beautiful. You are so incredibly beautiful.”

He tells her, “Don’t pay attention to anything that our culture says about beauty. Don’t even listen to yourself. Listen to me. Don’t use that mirror to judge your body. Use the mirror in my eyes. And in my eyes, you are smokin’ hot. Absolutely beautiful.”

His standard of beauty was his wife. Guys, that must be true for you. Your standard of beauty is your wife.

Your standard of beauty is not the girl on the magazine cover. It’s not the chick on the billboard or in the movie or on the porn site.

That’s what makes things like pornography so incredibly dangerous. It warps your standard of beauty. Your standard of beauty becomes this conglomeration of hundreds of naked women that you have viewed. And your definition of attractive and sexy becomes so warped that no real woman can live up to it.

Not only is it devastating to your wife if you are involved with porn, but it is also devastating to yourself. You are voluntarily saying, “I want to ruin the sexual health of my marriage for the rest of my life. I want to become so sexually warped that I can’t even become aroused like a normal married man. I choose to become so jaded that viewing my wife’s naked body will not be enough for me.”

Things like porn totally warp your standard of beauty.

That’s why in the Old Testament book of Job, Job said, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” (Job 31:1, NIV)

Looking lustfully at someone on a magazine or a billboard or a movie or a website completely warps your standard of beauty.

It doesn’t matter what the cultural standard is. Your wife needs to know what your standard is. Your standard is her. Your standard of beauty is your wife.

In Proverbs 5, the Bible says, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19, NIV)

This is a beautiful picture from Scripture. This is not vulgar. This is not offensive. This is a beautiful picture of sexual fulfillment in a godly marriage.

Men, your standard of beauty is your wife. God wants you to be intoxicated by her love. To be captivated by the sight of her body.

Husbands, the sight of your wife’s naked body is your standard of beauty.

There are guys who say, “Well, my wife’s body has changed over time.”

That means your standard of beauty has changed as well. Whatever your wife looks like at whatever age she has reached…she is and always will be your standard of beauty. If you want to be a godly husband, then this is will be true for you. You will fight against the images that you are bombarded with everyday. You will guard your eyes.

Ladies, you need to know that your husband is in a desperate fight everyday to keep himself pure. To not allow his standard of beauty to be warped. There are things you can do to help him. We’re going to talk about that next week. Next week is going to be awesome!

It really is a battle, isn’t it guys? It’s a daily fight. But it’s worth it. Godly marriage is worth it. Your wife is worth it. Your sexual intimacy with her is worth it.

Solomon’s wife told him, “Look away. I hate my body. I don’t even want you to look at me.”

He responds by telling her how incredibly beautiful she is to him.

And look at what happens right after that. She says, “You are so handsome, my love, pleasing beyond words! The soft grass is our bed…” (Song of Solomon 1:16, NLT)

She went from, “Don’t look at me,” to, “I don’t even think I can wait until we get home. I want to take you right here, outside in this field!”

What happened? What in the world could bring about that kind of change? He was verbally generous. Guys, I certainly hope you’re taking notes here!

Your wife is faced with hundreds of voices everyday telling her that she doesn’t measure up. She needs to hear your voice above them all, telling her how beautiful she is to you.

Look at what Solomon told his wife in chapter 4. “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” (Song of Solomon 4:7, NIV)

Now, is that true? Of course not. No one has a flawless body. No man or woman has a body without flaws. Guys, if you are dumb enough to point out the flaws in your wife’s body, take a look at yourself in the mirror. You’re not going to be on the cover of GQ anytime soon.

No one has a flawless body. But what Solomon is telling his wife is that he doesn’t compare her to anyone else. She is his standard of beauty. And when your wife is the only standard you have to judge beauty, she becomes flawless because there is no one else to compare her to. Her flaws aren’t flaws because there is no other point of comparison.

That’s what a godly husband does for his wife. He forsakes all other women. He obviously doesn’t have sexual contact with any other women. That should go without saying, but it doesn’t. But he also forsakes flirting with other women. He forsakes long, leering looks at other women. He forsakes lusting after other women. Because no other woman lives up to his standard of beauty. Only his wife fits that bill.

Now, look at what this does for his wife. This same woman who said, “Don’t look at me. I hate my body image.” in chapter 1. Look at what she says in chapter 2. “I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.” (Song of Solomon, 2:1, NIV)

Roses and lilies are among the most beautiful, most cherished flowers on the planet. And his wife says, “That’s me. I’m a rose. I’m a lily.”

Because her husband is so verbally generous to her, she has gone from feeling completely unattractive to feeling like she is incredibly hot and sexy.

And her husband keeps that cycle going in the next verse.

“Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.” (Song of Solomon 2:2, NIV)

His wife says, “I feel really hot,” and responds by saying, “Baby, you are. Nobody else comes close to you. Nobody is in the same league as you.”

Can you see how this will heat things up, guys? You better believe it. It is an incredible turn on. Your words are the most powerful aphrodisiac for your wife. Your kind, gentle, encouraging words are what she needs.

Now, I do want to throw out a note of caution here. There may be a guy here that is thinking, “Oh, so this is how you get hot sex. I’ll remember that.”

That is not the primary reason you are verbally generous to your wife. The first and most important reason is because she is your garden that God has given you to tend. You are called to serve her. To sacrifice everything for her. We are called to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Christ died for the church. That’s the kind of sacrificial love a man of God has for his wife.

That’s why you are verbally generous with her. Because it’s what she needs. Now, when the temperature in the bedroom goes up as a result, consider that God’s reward for your faithfulness. But the reward is not the primary reason you do it.

The Bible says that love is not self-seeking. You don’t do things so your wife will give you want you want in the bedroom. You do them because it’s what a godly husband does. Great sex is the reward, not the main objective.

There are a couple of great books called For Women Only and For Men Only. Shaunti Feldhahn and her husband, Jeff, teamed up to produce these books after talking with literally hundreds of men and women. If you want to have a great marriage that exceeds the mediocrity that is so prevalent today, get these two books.

In the book, For Men Only, Jeff Feldhahn describes his little five-year-old daughter dancing around the living room. She’s whirling and twirling all around. And then she says, “Daddy, look at me! Do you think I’m pretty?”

Any dad with a daughter should know what his immediate reaction should be. That daddy should say, “Sweetheart, you are absolutely beautiful.”

Here’s the deal, guys. That little girl still lives inside your wife. The only difference is, instead of asking her daddy, she’s asking you.

Your wife is constantly asking the question, “Am I beautiful to him?” And guys, most of us are absolutely blowing it.

Men, when is the last time you told your wife, “Baby, you are beautiful?” For the vast majority of us, it’s been a while. Maybe a long while. For some of us, it may be that we’ve never told her that.

Here’s the trap that is so easy for us to fall into. We’re men. It doesn’t mean that we’re dumb, knuckle-dragging Neanderthals. But it does mean that we see things differently than women. What sounds good to us might not sound at all good to them.

For example… “How do I look?” “Fine.”

“How do I look?” “You look nice.”

“How do I look?” “You look late! Can you finish getting ready so we can go?”

That’s how a lot of conversations go between husbands and wives. A lot of guys can use more descriptive language about their car than they can about their wife.

Now, most of us actually do think our wives are beautiful. They are hot. They get our motor running. They are sexy. We know it, so we just assume that they know it as well.

Wrong. Wrong! WRONG!

When it comes to your wife’s beauty, you can’t assume anything. You’ve got to verbalize it so she can internalize it.

In this way, you are being the servant of your wife that God has called you to be.

In Philippians 2, the Bible says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV)

Guys, you probably already believe that your wife is beautiful. Unless you’ve allowed your standard of beauty to be warped and perverted.

The problem is that you don’t often feel the need to say it. But your wife has a burning need to hear it. And when you verbalize it, you serve her. You put her needs above your own.

You’ve got to say it. Say it sincerely. Don’t be fake about it. She doesn’t want empty words. She wants to know what’s really in your heart.

It might feel a little awkward and forced if you don’t do this often. Do it anyway. Do it today. Tell her on the drive home today.

Now ladies, you can’t look at him and say, “You’re only doing that because the preacher said so!” That’s not fair. If you are married to a man who really wants to become the godly husband that you need him to be, you’ve got to give him some grace as he learns the ropes. And he will be learning the ropes until the day he dies.

This kind of verbalization is not natural for a lot of us guys. It’s just not. It feels awkward and forced and unnatural at first. But guys, it’s worth it. It’s worth it because you are serving your wife by putting her needs above your own.

That’s how you tend your garden. The gardener always thinks about what is best for the garden. All his work is done, not for his own benefit, but for the benefit of the garden.

That’s what it means to be a godly husband. A godly husband recognizes all the competing forces that his wife lives with everyday. He recognizes that his wife does not feel beautiful or attractive or sexy on her own. He knows that his role is to help her get there. Not so he can get great sex, but so he can be a great husband. And, by God’s grace, great sex is a normal by-product of this kind of servanthood.

Listen to these words from Song of Solomon 4. Listen to how verbally generous Solomon is with his wife. This is a little long, but that just shows how Solomon took his time. How he slowly and carefully and specifically praised the beauty of his wife.

How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.

Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate.

Your neck is like the tower of David, built with courses of stone; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.

Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense.

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Descend from the crest of Amana, from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon, from the lions’ dens and the mountain haunts of leopards.

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice! Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.

The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon. You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, with henna and nard, nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with every kind of incense tree, with myrrh and aloes and all the finest spices.

You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon. (Song of Solomon 4:1-15, NIV)

I know that some of this imagery doesn’t make a lot of sense in our culture. We’re going to explore it in more detail next week. But here’s what you can’t miss. You can’t miss how detailed and descriptive Solomon was about his wife’s beauty.

And now, listen to his wife’s response.

“Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (Song of Solomon 4:16, NIV)

The north wind was a strong, forceful wind. The south wind was a warm, gentle breeze. She is telling her husband, “I want you strong. I want you gentle. But I want you now. Come into your garden.”

He just spent 15 verses describing her beauty. And she responds with one verse. He gave a long, detailed description of her beauty, and she simply responded, “I want you now.”

And all the married men in the room would say, “Amen!”

That’s how it works in a godly marriage. What we see in the Song of Solomon is this…great sex to a woman is tenderness. It is closeness. It is all about the journey. The romance. The intimacy. The undivided attention.

It’s not about “doing the deed.” It’s as much about the journey as it is about the destination.

Guys, we want to hop on the interstate, drive 70 mph, and get there. Our wives would much prefer a scenic drive on the backroads.

But that’s not just true in the bedroom. That’s true in every room of your marriage.

Here’s the bottom line of this whole thing. The goal is not just to become a better lover. The goal is to be a better husband. To be the servant leader that God called you to be. To be gentle and compassionate with your wife. To serve her needs. To meet her desires. To be a giver, because your God is a giver.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: husbands, love, marriage, men, sex, Song of Solomon