Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

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Today we’re kicking off a new three-week series called Modern Family. The reason for this series is simple. The family has changed. A lot. A whole lot.

The days of the nuclear family are largely over. Now a lot of you might think your family is nuclear because every time you’re together, something blows up. That’s not what we’re talking about here.

What I mean by nuclear family is the traditional family equation. Dad + Mom + Kids = Family.

The nuclear family peaked in the ‘50s, and has been in steady decline ever since. In the 1950’s, the divorce rate fell for the first time in over 100 years. At the same time, the marriage and fertility rate soared. This is why the generation born in the 50’s is referred to as the baby boomers.

But something shifted in the ‘60s & ‘70s. The feminist movement took hold. The sexual revolution did just that. It revolutionized sexuality in America. And, in turn, the family was fundamentally changed.

The days of “Leave it to Beaver” and “Fathers Knows Best” are over. Even a family like “The Simpsons” isn’t the norm anymore. Things have changed. That’s why we’re doing this series.

Regardless of what your family situation is, there will be something in this series for you. There will be something to stretch you. Something to challenge you. Something to make you mad. And something to give you hope.

That’s a tall order, but the Word of God never fails. And, just like always, God’s Word will be at the center of this series.

Today we’re going to talk about one of the root causes of the shift that has happened in the modern-day family. Role reversals.

At one point in time, people generally followed the sage wisdom of The Rock. Know your role and shut your mouth. But it’s different now. Now, it’s not “know your role.” It’s “change your role.” “Redefine your role.” And when the roles in the family are changed, the very fabric of the family is changed.

So we need to begin with these questions. What is God’s design for the family? And what are our roles within His framework?

God’s design for the family begins with His design for romance, love, and marriage. The plan is found in Genesis 2. After God created man and woman, He said, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NIV)

This one verse tells us a lot. So let’s break it down.

This verse says that, when a man grows up, he leaves his father and mother. That automatically assumes that his father and mother are married and still living under the same roof. It assumes that this man was raised by his mom and his dad. That’s part of God’s original design.

Things have changed. If you’re part of a stepfamily or blended family situation, please be here next week. We’re going to talk about that. I’ve got a lot of practical stuff cooking for you next week. We’ll give you some hope.

And then, when this man is fully grown, he leaves. He moves out. He’s not going to be the 35-year-old living in his parents’ basement. His parents raised him with the knowledge that he was going to move out. They didn’t enable him to be lazy by letting him continue to live in their house. He had to grow up, man up, get up, and get out.

Moms and dads, this God’s design. I realize that there are extenuating circumstances. I realize that crazy things can happen. But I also realize that the Word of God tells us that your kids are not designed to be squatters. When they grow up, they get out.

In our culture, we’re seeing something that has been labeled as “the boomerang generation.” Kids who move out, but then things get rough and they boomerang back to their parents’ house.

When it comes to our two boys, if they want to play with a boomerang, they’d better move to Australia and do their best Crocodile Dundee impression. That’s the only boomerang we’re going to play with in our family. We are raising these two boys with one eye on who they are right now, and another eye on who they will become. And who they will become is men. Men who will not need us to support them, clothe them, feed them, and house them.

Look, I’m not saying that you have no heart and no compassion if things absolutely fall apart for your kids. In extreme circumstances, maybe they even move back in with you for a season. But it needs to be a season. There needs to be a date on the calendar that is agreed upon in advance. On this date, you move out. This is not a free ride. This is not an open-ended arrangement. This a limited time offer. It has a definite expiration date.

Maybe that seems harsh to you, but it’s the only way for you and your kids to live by the biblical model. And the biblical model is kids grow up, get out, and then stay out.

Back to Genesis 2. When this man grows up and moves out, he leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife. Moms, that means that your son’s wife is now his primary human relationship. It is no longer you. And you need to love your boy enough to foster an environment where he can step up and be the man that God has called him to be. You might still need a little boy, but what you need isn’t your primary concern. What does your son need? What does his new wife need?

Same goes for dads. Dad, I know she’s your little girl. But now she’s a wife. Her primary relationship is her husband, not you. Don’t lie to yourself and say that your interfering is actually helping. Step back. Let them make their mistakes. Give them the room they need to grow.

Genesis says that the husband and wife become one flesh. This refers to the sexual relationship within marriage, and it shows us that sex is so much more than a physical connection. In God’s eyes…and yes, He’s always watching…even in the bedroom…in God’s eyes, this connection turns two people into one. The relationship is that inseparable.

Recently I bought some liquid threadlocker. It’s this glue-type substance that you put on a bolt so that, when you thread the nut onto the bolt, it creates a strong bond. I bought the permanent kind. There were warnings on the package that basically said, “If you use this stuff when you put something together, it’s not coming apart again. Ever. So before you use this stuff, be sure that the things you are putting together can stay together permanently.”

That’s how God views the marriage relationship. One flesh. Unbreakable. Never to be dismantled. Never to be taken apart.

Things have changed. There are a lot of divorces represented in this room today. If you are divorced, please be here next week. We’re going to talk about some of the hard truths about divorce, but I’ve also got a hopeful word for you, too.

This verse is the foundation. This is the original design, the blueprint that God used to create the family.

And I’ve already touched a lot of nerves in this room. It’s already tense, and we’ve only read one verse. But in this verse alone, it is obvious just how much things have changed.

Roles have been reversed, convoluted, and confused. The roles of moms and dads…the roles of grown kids…the role of spouses…it’s all gotten really, really convoluted and confused. But God’s Word cuts through the fog and says, “This is how things were designed to be.”

But now, let’s go even deeper inside this divine blueprint for the family. There is no bigger hot button today than the roles of men and women. The gospel that our cultures preaches is the gospel of the gender bender. It’s a message that encourages women to act more like men and men to act more like women. It’s a culture that scoffs at the differences between men and women. The claim is that the differences are burdens that are placed on us by society. We are only free when we throw off these cultural restraints.

Let’s set all this clutter and noise aside and get down to the truth. The truth is that men and women are different. And it’s not just differences in plumbing. We are, at our core, fundamentally different. Dr. Linda Belleville says, “The creation of humanity as male and female is not an incidental fact or an afterthought but the very apex of God’s creative activity.” We ought to celebrate masculinity and femininity as expressions of God’s creative genius.

Back in the early 90’s, John Gray wrote a best-selling book. I bet some of you bought it. It was called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

The whole premise of the book is that we’ve forgotten that we’re supposed to be different. Gray says, “Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this simple truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that we are supposed to be different.”

God has both masculine and feminine qualities, and He created two genders to highlight and live out these traits in mutually exclusive ways.

In Ephesians 5, we see the differences highlighted with pinpoint clarity. Let’s take a look at this controversial chapter.

In verse 21, the Apostle Paul starts by telling married couples, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21, NIV)

That one sentence sets the stage for everything else he’s about to say. It begins with this principle: I will put the needs and desires of my spouse ahead of my own.

If your marriage is struggling or broken, I can tell you this…this principle is not being lived out in your marriage. I may not know all the specific issues, but I know this with absolute certainty. If your marriage is struggling, then this principle is not being lived out in your marriage.

There is not a single marital struggle or problem or issue that can’t be solved with this one verse. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. I know it sounds way oversimplified, but that one verse is the solution to the problems in your marriage.

Guys, if you put your wife’s needs and desires ahead of your own…ladies, if you put your husband’s needs and desires ahead of your own…everything else would take care of itself. And the reason is simple…because you are more concerned about serving your spouse than serving yourself. And that paves the way for God to bless your marriage.

This verse tells us that the reason we live with this mutual submission is “out of reverence for Christ.” It is done because we want to honor Jesus in our marriages. And when we desire to honor Him and we live to obey Him, we are blessed by Him.

Now, with that as the foundation, let’s read what Paul said next. He’s told us to submit to each other…to give our spouse what they need and desire…because of our reverence for Christ. Now he tells us what those needs and desires are. First, he speaks to the ladies.

Starting in verse 22: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24, NIV)

Did any of you notice that these verses have been in the news a lot lately? It all stems from the Republican presidential debate in Iowa a couple of weeks ago. In that debate, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was asked a direct question about Biblical submission.

Here’s a video of the exchange.

Whether or not you think Michele Bachmann did a good job answer the question, you really see how much of a hot button this is. And for what it’s worth, I actually think she did a pretty dang good job with a very tough question in a very, very tough environment.

This issue is a tough one in our culture. So let’s just go after it head on.

There is a real love-hate relationship with this passage. There are men who love it because they use these verses like a sledgehammer with their wives. Submission is a lot more like slavery in their minds.

And then there are women who hate this passage because culture has engrained them with the mindset that submission is demeaning. It turns women into objects or possessions. The Bible is filled with an anti-woman message because it was written in a hyper-patriarchal culture whose goal was to keep women down.

Both viewpoints of these verses are equally wrong. So let’s put aside all the preconceived ideas and all the cultural clutter and let’s look at what the Bible is really saying here.

The Bible just told husbands and wives to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. Now, it specifically reiterates the command for wives. Submit to your husbands as you submit to Jesus. And then it tells us why. The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.

Ladies, God has placed your husband in the leadership role in your home. He is, according to the Bible, the head of your home. Men are created by God to lead. It is a burden that He has placed on their shoulders. Your husband has been charged by God to lead you, as his wife, and to lead your children as their father. It is a heavy burden to carry, but a godly man will understand that he has no choice except to rise to the challenge.

But ladies, you have the power to take this from a burden to an impossibility. Here’s my question for you: are you leadable? Do you position yourself in such a way that you make it possible for your husband to lead, or do you make it an impossible task for him? You have that power, ladies. You can help your husband be the man God has called him to be, or you can make it impossible.

You make it impossible when every decision in your marriage becomes a power play. You make it impossible when you criticize and condemn your husband. And if you want bonus points, run him down in front of the kids.

You make it impossible for him to lead when you are more concerned about your pride than his position. His position is one of God-given leadership. But if you are too proud to accept that, your pride will eventually destroy his position.

You make it impossible for your husband to lead when you turn everything into a drama, when you are shrill and harsh, and when you simply make a decision that submission is not for you. Instead of submitting to your husband’s leadership, you directly disobey God and set up a needless power struggle in your home.

You’ve got to understand this…the leadership structure of your home is not based on worth. It doesn’t mean your husband is more important than you are. It doesn’t mean that God loves him more than he loves you. It has nothing to do with worth. It has everything to do with the differences that God hardwired into men and women.

God designed men to lead. And a real, masculine, godly man will take that burden with gladness. Mark Driscoll said, “Men are like trucks. They drive straighter with a load.” This burden of leadership is heavy, but a godly man will accept it gladly.

It’s an uphill battle all the way, but it’s a battle that a godly man is willing to fight. Until the battle happens within his own home. Until the battle becomes a power struggle. That’s not a fight that your husband can win. Either he caves in and becomes a mushy, effeminate boy who can shave, or he fights you and becomes an ogre and a beast. Either way, he can’t win.

Ladies, you hold the winning card. You can decide how it all will go. Play your card in a way that allows your husband to succeed. Help him become the man that God created him to be.

And when you keep reading this passage from Ephesians 5, it all really comes into focus. Here’s what the Bible says to husbands.

Starting in verse 25, the Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5:25-27, NIV)

There are a lot of women who want to complain about the submission verse. But I’ve never had a woman complain to me that their husband is loving them too much or too well. No wife has ever called me and said, “My marriage really needs help because my husband is loving me like Christ loved the church. He’s serving me too well. He’s loving me too deeply.” I’ve never gotten that call. And I don’t think I’ll get it anytime soon, either.

The reason a godly wife can submit to her husband’s leadership is because he takes his responsibility to her very seriously. And his role is to love his wife as Jesus loved the church.

Guys, think about that. Even if you’ve heard this before, let this thought really percolate in your mind and heart. You are charged by God to love your wife like Christ loved the church. Jesus laid everything on the line for the church. Ultimately, Jesus died for the church. It was completely sacrificial. It was a love that never asked, “What can I get?” It was always, “What can I give?” And in the end, Jesus gave everything.

That’s your model, guys. Your model is not some heavy-handed, power-hungry slave driver. Your model is Jesus. And Jesus leads by love.

Look at these verses. In Romans 2, the Bible reminds us that, “God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance.” (Romans 2:4b, NIV)

In 1 John 4, the Bible says, “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19, NIV)

Jesus leads with love. His kindness is what calls us to obey him. We submit to him because He loved us first. That’s who Jesus is, and that is the model that husbands are called to follow.

Guys, if your wife really hates that submission verse, it could be because you’re not worth submitting to. A heavy-handed, authoritative ogre isn’t worth submitting to. A lazy, useless lump isn’t worth submitting to. A grumpy, angry, jerk with a short fuse and a long temper isn’t worth submitting to.

If that’s you, then it’s time for you to man up, bro. You’re not a man. You’re a little boy. And women raise little boys. Women change little boys’ diapers. Women breastfeed little boys. But they definitely don’t submit to little boys.

It starts with you, guys. You are the leader, and leaders go first. In fact, that’s what the Bible says in Ephesians 5.

Go back and look at Ephesians 5:23 again. “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” (Ephesians 5:23, NIV)

The Bible says that the husband is the head of the wife. The word for “head” can mean a literal, physical head. But that word was also used to describe the point of a spear, the top of a wall, and the front of a ship.

The context of Ephesians 5:23 tells us that just as Christ went ahead of the church to save it by dying on the cross, the husband goes ahead of his wife and protects her, as well as his family.

Masculine men lead their wives in the sense that they sacrifice for them, protect them, and keep them from experiencing undue stress, exhaustion, pain and hardship. Only effeminate men push their wives to go ahead of them and experience what they as husbands should experience.

That’s the mantle that you carry, guys. That’s the deal you signed up for when you put that ring on her finger. And today, I’m calling all the men to step up, grow up, man up, and lead well.

Here’s how the Bible wraps up this passage. It wraps up exactly as it started.

In verse 33, Paul writes, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33, NIV)

At the beginning, this passage said to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Put your spouse’s needs and desires above your own. And the last verse in the passage says the same thing.

Husbands, love your wives. Guys, your wife needs to know that you love her. The answer to, “Do you love me?” is not, “I married you, didn’t I?” Your wife needs to hear your words of love and affirmation everyday.

Everyday, she needs to hear the words, “I love you.” Everyday, she needs to hear you say, “You’re beautiful. You’re so special. I never have and never will want anybody else.” That’s what your wife needs above anything else.

Guys, your wife can face anything that life throws at her if she knows that she is unquestionably and unequivocally loved by you. Your wife needs a love from you that is unyielding and uncompromising. She needs to know that you are willing to go to the cross for her. As her husband, you can give her nothing less.

Wives, respect your husband. Ladies, this is what your husband needs above anything else. He needs to know that his wife respects him. I know that sounds weird to you.

You might think, “You mean to tell me that my husband needs to hear the words, ‘I respect you,’ even more than, ‘I love you?’” You’ve got to understand that, to your husband, respect is love. They are one and the same to a man. Your respect, your admiration, your loving support will make it possible for your husband to stand up under the weight of the responsibility on his shoulders.

That’s how God designed the blueprint for the family. It starts with His plan for biblical masculinity and femininity. And it’s also why so many families are floundering and failing, because the very foundation of the family has been rejected. Instead of owning and celebrating our God-given differences, men and women are told to fight against them. Don’t embrace them. Fight them. Change them.

To our culture, that sounds primitive. It sounds Neanderthal. But let me ask you this…how is our culture’s view on men, women, and the family working out? If our culture is right, then things should be getting better and better, right?

It’s pretty obvious that things are going well. The road is littered with wounded men and women. Broken marriages and shattered families are everywhere. A bunch are represented in this room.

If you have broken relationships or a broken family, know this. It won’t be easy, but you can become whole again. Grace doesn’t just forgive us. It restores us. It puts the pieces back together again. It makes us whole.

In our Ephesians 5 text, the Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5:25-27, NIV)

Jesus gave Himself up for His church to make us holy. To cleanse us, and to turn us into people with no stains, no wrinkles, no blemishes. In other words, whole. Pure. Perfect. Jesus doesn’t just forgive you. He turns you into a person like that.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: Ephesians 5, Genesis 2, husbands, marriage, men, Modern Family, wives, women