Amelia Church of Christ - Christian Church in Amelia, OH near Cincinnati in Clermont County

This is second week of our series called Modern Family. In this series, we’re talking about changes that have happened in the family. And there have been a bunch.

Last week, we talked about role reversals. God has clearly defined roles for us in the family. But when those responsibilities get murky…when the roles get confused or even reversed…things go south in a hurry. God gave us the blueprint for the roles in the family, and since He is the one that created the family, we shouldn’t be surprised when His blueprint still works.

This week, we’re going to tackle some huge issues. The family today looks a lot different than the family of yesterday. Like I said last week, the days of the nuclear family are largely over. Family used to mean Dad + Mom + Kids = Family. Things have changed. Today we’re going to go a lot more in depth as we talk about what has changed in the modern family.

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” The American Film Institute lists that as #4 on its list of the top 100 movie quotes of all time. We all know that line from The Wizard of Oz.

Dorothy said this to her little dog after the tornado when she realized that she wasn’t home anymore. Everything was different. Everything had changed.

When you look at the modern family, it’s pretty easy to see that we’re not in Kansas anymore. If it can change, it has changed.

Today, we’re going to talk about some of these changes. You may hear this stuff today and think, “That’s not my situation, so this doesn’t apply to me.” I’m sorry. You thought everything was about you. It’s not. It’s not all about you. You may not be experiencing this yourself, but you know someone who is. Listen to the truth today so you can help them.

Before we start talking about all the changes, let’s go back to God’s blueprint for the family. In Genesis 2, the Bible says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NIV)

Combine that verse with this one from Genesis 1. After God created man and woman, the Bible says, “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number.” (Genesis 1:28, NIV)

This is the blueprint. This is God’s original design for the family. Man and woman fall in love. Get married. And have kids. In that order.

The modern family is a far cry from the original design. We’re definitely not in Kansas anymore.

But that doesn’t mean that there is no hope. If your family doesn’t look like the original design, that doesn’t mean that God has given up on you. And it doesn’t mean that God can’t work powerfully in your family.

So let’s go. Changes in the modern family. Here’s the fist one we’re going to talk about. Divorce.

The divorce rate in America is somewhere between 40-50%. And when people get remarried, it gets even worse. According to Enrichment Journal, the divorce rate in America for a first marriage is 41%. For second marriages, the rate jumps to 60%. And for third marriages, the rate skyrockets to 73%.

Andrew Cherlin wrote a book called The Marriage-Go-Round. He said that as Americans, “We divorce, repartner, and remarry faster than people in any other country.”

Clearly things are not going well on the marriage front in our country. And Christians have given mixed reactions to this issue. Some have reacted with an iron fist, judging and condemning anyone who is divorced. Others have treated is as a non-issue, not even giving the slightest hint that something has gone wrong here.

Neither reaction is a Biblical reaction. So let’s get into the Word and see what God has to say about this.

In Matthew 19, the Bible says, “Some Pharisees came to [Jesus] to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” [Jesus said, “This is God’s original design. This is His blueprint for the family.”]

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. [This whole modern family thing is actually not new. Things in Jesus’ day were a lot different than the original design for the family.] I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3-9, NIV)

I’ve gotta be honest…this is a tough Scripture to work through. On the one hand, you’ve got this statement from Jesus that divorce is wrong. And that remarriage, except in the case of sexual unfaithfulness, constitutes adultery. It’s cut and dry, black and white Scripture.

But on the other hand, it doesn’t seem so cut and dry in our fallen, messed up, sinful world. Things can get really screwed up and divorce is an all-too-common reality in our world.

Life and truth seem to collide here. The Bible says this. Life says that. And the two seem to be at odds with each other.

First off, we have to understand that God’s Word trumps our feelings. If your feelings and emotions are at odds with the Bible, the Bible wins. Just because we don’t like a particular truth in the Bible does not mean that the Bible changes. When we are at odds with God’s Word, we are the ones called to change. We’re the ones who have to bring our thinking and our emotions in line with the Bible. It never works the other way around.

The fact is that Jesus said that divorce is wrong. It is a sin, because it is separating something that God has joined together. And because of that, God views remarriage as adultery unless there was infidelity in the marriage.

In God’s view, marriage is a one and done proposition. So if you’re considering marriage, you need to weigh this very, very heavily. You need to know the commitment you’re making is lifelong. Don’t allow our culture to dictate your feelings about marriage. Base your marriage paradigm around Scripture. Understand that this commitment you’re making is for keeps.

But now the question becomes, “What about those of us who are already divorced?”

I’m not going to soften Scripture. I’m not going to take the teeth out of this hard statement from Jesus. Divorce is wrong. It is a sin. That’s the truth.

But here’s another truth. It is not an unforgiveable sin. I’ve read what Jesus said in Matthew 19 over and over and over, and these are the two things that I see very clearly. Jesus said that divorce is a sin. Jesus did not say that divorce is an unforgiveable sin.

So why did He come down so hard on divorce? It definitely seems like he hammered on this sin more than others.

The reason, at least in part, that Jesus was so harsh about divorce is because it is such a painful, shattering, & sickening sin. You never get over it.

Jesus also taught that divorce was only allowed because of the hardness of our hearts. It is contrary to everything God wants.

Sadly, you cannot find a person in church today who has not been affected by divorce either directly or indirectly. Often, they hide the pain by pretending everything is ok but it is not. I have talked to guys whose wife left them almost 30 years ago & they have since remarried, raised good families & have faithful & dedicated spouses yet there is still a bitterness & disappointment in their voice if you can get them to talk about it.

Jesus wasn’t coming down harder on divorce because he was being mean or restrictive but because he knows what a lifelong burden it is.

If you are divorced, then you know how true this is. You know the pain. You know the burden. And you know it doesn’t ever fully go away. And the reason is that what God joined together has been pulled apart.

Every sin carries eternal consequences. If we’re not forgiven by the blood of Jesus, all sin separates us from God and all sin earns us an eternity away from God.

But it’s different in this life. In eternal life, sin all carries the same eternal consequences. But different sins have different earthly consequences. And divorce is a sin where the earthly consequences are steep. Two lives are shattered, and that’s not even taking into account the devastation that happens if there are kids involved.

That’s why Jesus doesn’t softball divorce, and it’s why I won’t softball it, either. The stakes are too high. If your marriage is in trouble, you need to pull out all the stops. Whatever it takes, you need to put absolutely everything you’ve got into saving your relationship. Every bit of time you have, every dime you own, and every prayer you can pray should be invested in saving your marriage.

If you are divorced, then you’re not hearing anything that you don’t already know. But I do have this for you. In 1 John, the Bible says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, NIV)

Walk through that verse step by step. The Bible says that our forgiveness and healing starts when we confess our sins. That means calling a sin a sin. It means that you quit trying to rationalize your decisions. It means that you quit trying to justify your actions. If you have sinned, then you admit that you’ve sinned.

In the case of divorce, it means coming before God and owning your sin. Even if you feel it was justified, God’s Word says it wasn’t. And God’s Word wins. Your healing starts when you confess your sin.

And when you do, you see that God is faithful and just. He is just, meaning that actions have consequences. Eternal forgiveness does not erase earthly consequences. You will still pay a price. But He is also faithful, meaning He’ll never leave you. And not only that, but He’ll give you a second chance.

That second chance comes because the Bible says that God “will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

You need to circle that little word “all” in your Bible. God will forgive us and purify us from ALL unrighteousness. ALL our sins can be forgiven through the blood of Christ. That means that divorce is included.

There is life beyond divorce. It is painful. It is a hellish journey to get there, which is why Jesus warns us so strongly about it. If there is anything you can do to avoid divorce, do it. But if divorce is already a present reality in your life, you need to know that God is with you in your pain. His forgiveness and grace are real. And a second chance really can happen.

And for some, that second chance comes in the form of a blended family. This is the next change that we’re going to talk about.

There are around 1300 new stepfamilies or blended families that are created every single day in the United States. There are now more blended families in our country than any other type of family.

Back in the ‘70s, we were given an unprecedented glimpse into a blended family. It was groundbreaking. Unfortunately it was all fiction. Maybe you remember it. In fact, you heard a little bit of it in our countdown video today.

“Here’s the story, of a lovely lady, who was brining up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold like their mother, the youngest one in curls.”

The Brady Bunch was a sitcom that went where we had never gone before. It took the audience inside a blended family. The problem is that the show disguised many of the problems that are present in blended families. You could watch that show and think that the problems in blended families are exactly like the problems in nuclear families. Nothing could be further from the truth. And if you’re part of a real life blended family, you fully understand that.

It doesn’t mean that God can’t bless a blended family. It doesn’t mean that stepfamilies are out of the reach of His power and grace. Not at all. But you do have to understand that because your family isn’t built exactly according to God’s original blueprint, there will be extra challenges. It doesn’t mean that He loves you any less. It doesn’t mean that He can’t work powerfully in your life and in your family. It just means that you have accept the reality of the situation. And the reality is that your life is going to be filled with tough challenges.

Ron Deal describes how different people try to “cook” up a stepfamily. “Understand that cooking a stepfamily takes time. Every stepfamily has an assumed blending style (whether they know it or not) that drives how they treat one another.

For example, a food processor mentality results in parents demanding that stepchildren call their stepparent “Dad” or “Mom” right away. In effect, the noncustodial biological parent gets chopped up in the process.

A pressure cooker mentality is used when new family members are forced into spending time together. Usually the lid blows off the pot.

And finally, the blender mentality assumes that everyone will love everyone else to the same degree. Not only does this set people up for conflict, it usually results in someone being creamed.

Instead, develop a Crock-Pot mentality that allows for time and low heat to bring the various members of the family into relationship.”

Ron gives an example of a couple he has worked with. He said, “Instead of forcing the family together, Brad and Julie spent Saturday afternoons each with their own children. Only after nearly two years did they begin to combine leisure activities. This low-heat approach didn’t threaten the children’s relationship with their parents and made space for new relationships to develop.”

There is no way to fast track this. There is no microwave to get it done faster. Experts say that the average stepfamily takes seven years to fully combine and assimilate into a cohesive family unit. You simply can’t rush it. You’ll do a lot of harm if you try.

In Psalm 37, the Bible says, “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways…” (Psalm 37:7, NIV)

Wait patiently for God. Wait for Him to bring your family together. And then this verse says something really interesting. “Don’t’ fret when people succeed in their ways.” Don’t worry about what is going on in other families. If other families seem so much more unified than yours…if other families seem so much happier and more peaceful…don’t fret. Don’t worry. Keep praying and keep waiting for God to do His work in your family.

And you also have to understand that a stepfamily represents both a gain and a loss. Remarriage is a gain for the adults and a loss for the kids. What they really want is for Mom and Dad to reunite, so for them the remarriage is a loss. When you add that to the list of hundreds of other losses they've already experienced through the divorce process or the loss of a parent, you can see why children have mixed feelings about the new family. Furthermore, loss always brings the fear of more loss. When persons start protecting themselves from more loss, walls are built.

So, along with patience, you’ve got to give preference. You’ve got to give preference to the feelings of your children instead of your own.

In Philippians 2, the Bible says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV)

This doesn’t mean that your children always get their way. It doesn’t mean they get to call the shots. But it does mean that if your children are now part of a blended family, they need you to understand what’s going on in their lives. And they need you to put your desires behind theirs so you can help them adjust to the new life that you’ve given them.

I know we’ve barely had time to scratch the surface here. If you’re in a stepfamily situation and you need some more in-depth help and information, I can refer you to a counselor who can help you.

Or you can go to this website www.smartstepfamilies.com. I quoted extensively from Ron Deal a minute ago. Ron is a Christian author, therapist, and stepfamily expert. This is his website, and it’s full of good, good stuff.

Let’s move on to one last change that has occurred in the modern family: cohabitation. Or shacking up, if that makes more sense to you.

Let’s start with the Bible, just like always. In Hebrews 13, the Bible says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4, NIV)

I’ve pointed this out on this stage before, but let me do it again. The writer of Hebrews refers to the marriage bed. Not the dating bed. Not the engagement bed. Not the cohabiting bed. Not the hooking up bed. The marriage bed.

God created sex for marriage, and he calls all of us to honor marriage. God honors marriage. We honor the things that God honors. So we honor marriage.

Now, once again, life and truth seem to collide here. In 2005, unmarried households became the majority for the first time in American history. Between the years of 1960 and 2000, the number of cohabiting unmarried couples rose tenfold. Researchers estimate that 70% of couples in the U.S. live together before they get married.

And now, a new term has emerged. Stayover relationships. A stayover relationship is defined as a couple who spend three or more nights together each week, while still maintaining separate homes.

Dr. Laura Berman wrote this a few weeks ago in a Chicago Sun-Times article. “Living together before marriage has become a popular option for many couples who aren’t quite ready to make a lifetime commitment to one another. However, it seems even cohabitation comes with responsibilities. With a stayover relationship, couples have more control and independence, along with the reassurance that if things go wrong, they can always split ways simply and easily without having to argue over the cutlery.”

She highlights the problem precisely. In casual sexual relationships, people can split ways simply and easily. At least that’s the theory. But in the next paragraph, she expresses something much more true.

“However, even if you keep your belongings separate, your emotions will still become hopelessly intermingled…”

And God is saying, “Exactly. That’s how I designed this whole thing. A sexual union is just that…a union. It’s a physical, emotional, spiritual union that is meant to be permanent. So if you go into it casually and uncommitted, there are going to be problems. A lot of problems.”

Statistically, people who live together and then get married have a higher divorce rate than people who didn’t move in together until after their wedding. Some researchers suggest that the risk of divorce goes up 80% if you live together before marriage. Stayovers and cohabiting relationships are not the answer. In many ways, they make things more difficult.

And the reason is that these relationships don’t take into account the full commitment that is required. Look, I’ve heard all the excuses of why a couple lives together. Let me cut through all the clutter and get to the fact. If you are living with someone that is not your spouse, it’s because you know you have an out. You know that the door is still propped open so that, when things get hard, you can leave. There is no commitment in living together. There is no commitment in staying over.

So let’s just call it what it is. You want to have sex without being tied down. And then you try to justify it by saying, “God wants me to be happy.”

God doesn’t give a rip about your happiness. What He desires is holiness. And when you live a holy life, you live a blessed life. That can lead to a happier life, but that’s not the point. The point is that if you claim to love God, you will obey God. And God clearly says that sex is for marriage.

There are guys who come to this church and raise their hands to worship God, but they put those same hands on the girlfriend’s body last night.

There are girls in this church that God has called to be pure, but instead they are putting out. And it has got to stop.

I don’t care if our culture views this as normal. I don’t care that people celebrate this as something that is fun and harmless and good. It is not God’s design for relationships, marriage, and family. God created the family unit to be based on the one flesh principle. One man and one woman becoming one flesh. That means they will never be separated. They will never “fall out of love.” It will never be “over.”

Until you are ready for that kind of commitment, you are not ready for sex. You are not ready for any type of living together arrangement. You are still a little boy or a little girl. When you become a man or a woman…when you are ready for adult responsibility instead of just playing house…then pray for God to bring someone to you who is also ready and you can start a new Christian household. But until that time comes, you wait.

If you’re already in a cohabiting relationship, you might be really hacked off right now. But you’re not really angry with me. You’re angry that the truth has exposed your heart. You’re mad that the Holy Spirit is convicting you. It’s time to repent. Take all that anger you feel toward me and channel it in a way that makes you do something about the situation. It’s time to repent and it’s time to take action. It’s time to commit to this person in marriage or it’s time to move out.

But before you make the marriage commitment, weigh it heavily. Remember the statistics. Your risk of divorce goes up as much as 80% if you live together before marriage. Don’t automatically assume that you can beat those odds.

You’ve both made an immature decision to live together. Are you sure you’re both ready to take on a mature decision like marriage? Are you sure he’s a man and not a boy? Are you sure she’s a woman and not a girl? Are you both ready to commit to a real relationship with Christ first and foremost, and then a mature relationship with each other? Those are heavy questions, but marriage is a heavy commitment.

I know today hasn’t been the most fun time we’ve ever had here. In fact for some of us, today has been downright painful. But here’s what we have to leave with.

In Psalm 103, David wrote, “Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:2-5, NIV)

God forgives all our sin. God heals us completely. God pulls our lives out of the pit with love and compassion. And then He gives us a second chance at life.

Because of the death and resurrection of Jesus, God can do that for you. Jesus paid the price for your sin, and through His grace, He can give you and your family life…regardless of what type of family you have.

Mike Edmisten

Tags: blended families, cohabitation, divorce, family, marriage, Modern Family, stepfamilies